Humor Thread

Two Newfies were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."
"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.
"Send me lawn away to be mowed."

 

Tiger Woods in Newfoundland
Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

 

Newfie Mental Hospital
George and a Newfie feller were both patients in a mental hospital in St. John’s. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, George suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The Newfie promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled George out.

When the medical director became aware of the Newfie's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell the Newfie the news he said, "Newf, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound thinking and judgment.

The bad news is, George, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

The Newfie replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry ... So...how soon can I go home?"

 

Sentimental thoughts


A Real Woman




A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and

will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...................



No wait...

Sorry...

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

 

I was thinking about my old golden retriever

 

Ponder no more fellas, I've solved one of the great wonders of the world. The mystery of the Great Pyramids, I figured it out. Ancient Egypt must have been a race of nearly all telekinetic females. As we all know how women love to make mountains out of molehills, this explains EVERYTHING!!! Actually, I think there used to be quite a few more of them, maybe that's where all that damn sand came from....................

 

Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays.

This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went right on through.

Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection.

The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle.

This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian.

Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

The Whorehouse Doors!

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

 

A Good Offer?



An engineer walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male Pharmacist.



The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person, as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop. There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.

The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.

She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The engineer agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.

The chemist said, "Just a minute, I 'll go talk to my sister.


When she returned, she said, "We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car, and £1,500 a month plus living expense."

 

Twin brothers were named Joe and John Banner. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife dies the same day that Joe's boat sunk.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said, "Oh I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Then Joe spoke up saying, "well, I'm not the least bit worries. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like a dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything."

"But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her out to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot but they said they would like a crack at her anyhow."

The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle."

At this point, the old lady fainted.

 

Understanding Derivatives -- A Primer



Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.



Now do you understand?

 

newlywed Newfie sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.


"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back an accordion with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and the Newfie sailor rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."

 

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over and Clem took one look and said, “Nope, ain’t Clyde.”
Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke and Zeke took a look at him and said “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said “No, it ain’t Clyde.” The mortician asked “How can you tell? Zeke said “Well, Clyde had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say ‘Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.’ “

 

-A newfie was having a hard time attracting women at the beach, so he decided to ask his friend the lifeguard for advice.
“It’s dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey’re years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos–about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m telling ye, man.. .ye’ll have all de babes ye wants!”
The following weekend, the newfie hit the beach with his new Speedos and his fist-sized potato. Everybody he walked past immediately covered their faces and started gagging.
The newfie went back to the lifeguard and said, “I did what ye said, but it’s sitll not working.”
“Lard-Tunderin’ Jeezus b’y!” said lifeguard, “the potato goes in the front!”

 

The Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. A short distance behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

My oath. Not only did I pee.....i squeeked out a dribble of shit too!

YouTube - Mrs Brown Gets A Bikini Wax

 

WRONG BITCH


The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

 

Have you ever had an Alaskan paint job?
What's that???
Its when you're getting a lap dance and the stripper leaves a skid mark on your leg.

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

 

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ' So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand, 'stammers the MP'. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted.'