Humor Thread

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community. After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax at least once in a while.To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere on the Burin Peninsula.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

The couple hired a strong young man from Port Aux Basques to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fockin' towel!"

 

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

Of course 3 years later the Filipino and Thai once made citizens have divorced the first 2 striping them of all their assets while the Irish wife is still married having a good time partying with the third friend now he knows his place. :wink:

 

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Before long the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and working bathrooms and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and bathrooms that work and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

A Rare Occurrence

There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a young chap standing there who said, "I am a Jehovah's Witness."

I said, "Come in and sit down. What would you like to talk about?"

He said, "Fucked if I know; I've never got this far before."

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness.



The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cab driver tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back,

And there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your 49ers season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cab driver and says, 'What would you do?

The cab driver replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

SEMPER FI!!

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?! Just brings tears to your eyes!

 

Condom factory burns down in U.S. President Obama is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!! I've just received word that the Condom factory in Montana has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Western US supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.'

President Obama:

The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.' 'We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico

'Bad idea! The Mexicans will have a field day on this one.'

Junior Admin Assistant: 'What about Canada ?'

President Obama: 'I'll call PM Harper.' I'll tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way they'll continue to respect the Americans.

Three days later a delighted Obama runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office. He finds five million condoms: 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured Red and white with a maple leaf and writing on each one.......

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM

 

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence..

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand-dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."


Little Johnny raised his hand.


The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight..."

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

I love those ebonic jokes!

 

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

Uh? Is that directed at my joke? Ebonic? WTFITA? I don't get it.............

 

Scientists have discovered a human jawbone they believe is 2 millions years old..

They have also worked out it belonged to a woman as it was still moving!!

 

An Inspirational Story

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'

Then I thought...

Fuck - I could win this!'

 

The Real Reason
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

 

Looking for work?...........

 

These guys " The Purple Helmets " are professional idiots, bloody good riders though.

[video=youtube;qJyzxHGM2YE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJyzxHGM2YE[/video]

 

Win here...win there...win win everywhere....

[video=youtube;9QS0q3mGPGg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QS0q3mGPGg&feature=player_embedded#at=111[/video]