Humor Thread

It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin
Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious winner:


1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach ,
California would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost
a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients
he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and
prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5
A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned
him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A
5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he
got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said
that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but
he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd
ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these
with friends and family...unless of course one of these
individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost
friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope
they remain lost.

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me,' said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.


He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia and All of Washington DC .

 

A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' US is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. ANew York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii ... After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough,her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. ANew Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ...''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal..''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

 

This may be a repeat but here it goes anyways:

Two couples were playing poker one evening.. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ....

 

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to
Give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has
Any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

 

A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' US is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. ANew York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii ... After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D)
Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough,her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. ANew Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ...''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal..''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

 

day late, buck short, grey. check 3 posts up, post 903. it happens to the best of us.

 

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost so reduced altitude when she spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'


The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.


'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'


'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost, frankly you've not been much help at all and if anything you've delayed my trip by your talking.'


The man below responded, 'You must be a Manager.'


'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'how did you know?'


'Well,' said the man 'you don't know where you are or where you're going you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air and made a promise you don't know how to keep but expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before but somehow it's now my fault.'

 

BWeiss well duhhhhhhhhh on me. I missed that one. So here's another.

What's the difference between a hooker, a mistress, and a wife.

A hooker says, faster faster

A mistress says, slower slower

and the wife says, beige, beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!
*************************************************************

The boss asks his secretary: Do you know the difference between a blow job and a Big Mac?

Secretary says: No.

Boss says: Want to go to lunch?

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, Turk, An Aussie, a Yank, a Chinese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,an Estonian,a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian,a Swede,a Finn,an Israeli, a Romanian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazillian, a Dutchman,and a Swiss went to a night club.

The doorman said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

=========================================================================


Just booked a table for me and the wife for Valentine's Day can see it going wrong though, she hates snooker.


=========================================================================



Apparently the best way to make a good cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife on the bottom and say, "2 sugars please."


=========================================================================



What a load of crap it is about women multi tasking ... I told the wife to sit down and shut up she just couldn't do it.

 

Did you ever wonder...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3 If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?


ad infinitum...

 

When will doctors finally get it right and stop practicing?

 

If pro and con are opposites, what is the opposite of progress?

 

Why it is better that God sends the rain to Mexico:










And not the Middle East:

 

Subject: Christmas Letter

There was this fellow who worked for Canada Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96 which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving cock suckers at Canada Post".

Respectfully Yours,
Mary Ethel

 

" The Shredder "

A young engineer was leaving the office at Schutte & Koerting Co. around 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work ?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

 

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..

Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..






The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.


2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide



However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was

Stanley Woods.

What became of him?


He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.

The Moral:


F*** work.
Ride motorbikes.

 

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other
brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped
elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life......


As time went on, the brothers stayed in
touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a
womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and
supported many charities


One day the evil brother died. Then, after a
few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was
rewarded with a happy after life.



One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,

so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.

He has been sent elsewhere ."



I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.

"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again. "You can see him if you wish",

God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."




So the power was granted and the good
brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a
bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous
young blonde.


The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg
of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not
be that bad."


God explained.




"Things are not always as they seem, my son.


The keg has a hole in it.


The blonde doesn't.."