Humor Thread

ENJOY – A Blonde’s Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..Helllloooo!!!…….bottles won’t fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..Box said ‘ 2-4 years!’

April
Trapped on escalator for hours …Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing…….Couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

October
Hate M & M’s…..They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days …Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn’t call 911.Duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!

 

I have always been a firm believer that a person has the right, and should exercise the right to remain silent. Especially women.....especially my wife.....when I fuck up.

 

If Smith and Wesson were women, would you still be able to get silencers for them?

 

The old techno world

[video=youtube;kAG39jKi0lI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI[/video]

 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs?' the woman replied.


'That hasn't been verified but we've sold 30 of them

this month,' he said.




The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,

and what if it's true. No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.




When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,

he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! ...




The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may

never need to perform this less than riveting act again.




In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the

noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making

hellacious banging and crashing sounds.




She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her

husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.



The husband replied,



'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're history!'

 

Redneck walks up to a pretty girl and says

"Dang sweetcheeks you shore are good lookin, what do you do?

"Im a student"

"Ya are? Where do you go ta school at?"

"Yale"

"I SAID, WHERE'D YA GO TO SCHOOL AT?

 

Three missionaries (an Englishman, a Frenchman and a certain Ethnic) crashed their plane in the African jungle and got captured by a cannibal tribe.

They were stood in a line in front of the chief.

Chef walks up to the Englishman and says:

"We are going to kill you, eat you and use your skin for the bottom of our canoe's". You may have one last request.

The Englishman says I will take a knife.
So the chief gives him a knife.
The Englishman says "God save the Queen" and cuts his throat.

Chef then walks up to the Frenchman and says:

"We are going to kill you, eat you and use your skin for the bottom of our canoe's". You may have one last request.

The Frenchman says I will take a knife.
So the chief gives him a knife.
The Frenchman says "God save the King" and cuts his throat.

Finally the chief walks up to the certain Ethnic and says:

"We are going to kill you, eat you and use your skin for the bottom of our canoe's". You may have one last request.

The certain Ethnic says I will take a large fork!
Chief looking confused handed him a large fork

The certain Ethnic (while stabbing his chest multiple times) says, "Fuck your CANOES!!"

 

My favorite part was when the certain Ethnic did that thing that his race is stereotypically thought of doing more often than someone of a different Ethnic.

...

 

Your camera just insulted my entire family.

Your Camera Just Insulted My Family! - Engrish Funny: Engrish Pictures That Is Your Funny Engrish

 

That's So Racist..............

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

SNOW DAY

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota .

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

 

I thought 2,5 & 8 are great.


MENSA INVITATIONAL

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:


1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men =

 

Hey Mon, ya need to be seein" de Pokemon for day problem eh? Jah love...

 

Trip to Europe


A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.


That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain..

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

 

The other day I came in from skiing and blew my nose. I said to my wife, "I think I blew half my brains out". She said, "yes I think you did!" I replied, " Now we're even."


And then the fight started...

 

A hardshell Baptist fundamentalist is sitting next to a priest on an airplane flight.

The flight attendant asked for their drink orders, the priest orders a whiskey and the Baptist orders a diet soda.

The Baptist looks over at the priest and says, " You know, good Christians should avoid alcohol completely"

The preist replies, " Well, Jesus drank wine"

"I know, " sniffs the Baptist , " and I'd have thought better of him if he didnt".

 

Jewish people don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as head of the church.
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.