Humor Thread

Heard about this over eggplant parmigiana with metalican, peet, wrestler, and punisher last night. here's the link.

Hulu - Family Guy: Puke Contest

 

Now I understand why it was so hard to read the menu, there was something on my eye.

 

IT IS a slow day in a dusty little U.S. town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays $200.00 on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the $200.00 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $200.00 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $200.00 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the $200.00 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the $200.00 The hotel proprietor then places the $200.00 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $200.00, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the stimulus package works.

 

Please be patient with our senior citizens. You should give them respect.

Granny Mercedes Airbag

Or pay the price.

 

hanks and gratitude to all our 911 Emergency personel who regardless of the call, maintain their composure:

YouTube - EmergencyCall Emergency Call 911 Oak st

 

Another reason I don't hang with the Milwaukee crowd...

 

The corniest joke. Ever.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions ...

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

 

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk,
but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

 

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected by it's retarded (even completely absent under some conditions) ability to react. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium' s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with large injections of fiscal elements, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

A biker is visiting the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Newspaper reporter watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier and Republican voter' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
" SOLDIER ASSAULTS DETAINEE AND STEALS HIS LUNCH "


.

 

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of Your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus Will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should Immediately leave the WORK premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, You have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

World exclusive: inside the Stig farm - BBC Top Gear
this cracked me up...

 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

 

OT: What Not To Do On A Golf Course... » Victory Motorcycles: Victory Vision, Victory Kingpin, Victory Vegas, Victory Hammer, Arlen Ness

 

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Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

 

Gander International Airport, Gander Newfoundland, CANADA

Newfoundlanders can be so polite!

Gander Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Gander . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Gander Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Gander. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause.....
Saudi Air : " GANDER TOWER - GANDER TOWER !"
Gander Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"



Gander Tower : "Well bless your hearts, and praise Jesus.
Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we all said "Hi".

 

Dumbass thinks he's stronger than a lathe, gets what he deserves.....

Mann gegen Maschine | Video » Trendhure.com