Humor Thread

I can relate to some of those. High speed persuits in the snow is always fun.

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

I didn't last 50 seconds what is it about schadenfreude that we find so funny, should I feel guilty ? :redface:

 

[video]http://www.myvidster.com/video/463157/One_of_my_frat_brothers_had_a_few_and_told_this_story_from_his_youth_sorry_he_was_a_bit_into_the_story_before_someone_pulled_out_a_camera[/video]

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said," Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked .

"It just worked for me" he replied .

 

A blonde and brunette are in an office one morning.
Brunette : " Morning"
Blonde : "Cough, cough moorrnning"
Brunette : "Oh honey, what's wrong"?
Blonde : "I have a terrible cold, my throat, my head all killing me"
Brunette : "I always find that when I'm sick, I blo_ my husband and that always clears my cold"
NEXT MORNING
Brunette : "Morning"
Blonde : Good morning, great day isnt it!!
Brunette : "Oh good to see you are feeling better"
Blonde : "Oh yes, I took your advice. And the thing is your husband couldnt believe it was your idea"

 

Mmmmm wife in middle,daughter to the left, sister on right or is it sister to the left and daughter on right? Wait is wife in the middle? Who's those other two now? Oh well screw it.
OK smile everybody!

 

Paraprosdokians


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

 

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if

he had any experience shoeing horses...

He said no but he had told an old donkey to fuck off once.

******************************************************************

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh---n' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

 

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his
chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her
dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't,
he just walked into the restaurant."

 

A drunk was at a party and he walked up to the man of the house and he asked. "Do lemons have feathers?"
The man said "no they dont".
The drunk said " oh F*ck, I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink!!"

 

Be careful out there! It's not just the deer that are out to get us.

 

AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman ,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman .And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her

parents home.

I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail;
Lobster; Champagne.

I asked her, Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?·

No, she replied. But my mother's not expecting a blow job
tonight.

I said "enjoy"...

 

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-la w and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of t he parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ...... pregnant when you met her."

 

Copied from an e-mail I received from another VFRW member:



An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

 

BOB & THE BLONDE:


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar And stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story Of a man on the ledge of a large building Preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, The guy on the ledge Did a swan dive off the building, Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, But willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.