Humor Thread

A lawyer fell in to a lake he was walking along that had 40 man-eating piranhas in it. 30 were dead before they pulled him out.

 

Subject: COWBOY

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

 

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed!

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Be afraid....be very afraid.

 

A guy had been stranded on a desert island for months alone.
One day while sitting on the beach a beautiful buxom Redhead walks out of the water wearing a wet suit.
She coyly snuggles up to him and lowers the front zipper some revealing nice cleavage, then asks:

If there's anything you could have now, what would it be?

He replies: Some of the best Ardbeg scotch there is.

She unzips a little more, reaches in and pulls out a pint of Ardbeg and pours it in a sherry copita. Then hands it to him.

She leans over farther and asks the same question again with a seductive voice.

He replies: Yea a nice hand rolled Cuban cigar.

She unzips a little farther, reaches in and pulls out a Ramon Allones and lights it for him.

He's sitting back thinking it doesn't get any better than this!

Then the red head unzips all the way down and asks:

Would you like to play around?

Where as the guy jumps up and says you bet I would!! then says:

"You got golf clubs in there too!

 

Howcome the Marines went to fight on Iwo Jima?
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^ Anything past seven letters are extremely difficult for them spell. "Guadalcanal" fucked them up. They went there specifically just to ask the Japanese defenders how to enunciate it.

 

I heard a gentleman just started his own business, making
landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.

 

A QUICK THINKER

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for many years.

It had a large pond in the ‘back-40’ which was properly shaped for swimming. He decided to fix it up nice with picnic tables, a shelter, horseshoe courts, some orange and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over and gather some fruit.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket and started walking toward the pond. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond.

He said "Hi" so as not to scare them and to make them aware of his presence----they all swam over to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave."

The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of my pond naked”.

Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator”.

 

What does licking a girl's a-hole and licking a 9V battery have in common?










Nothing, but even though you know it's wrong you're going to do it anyway

 

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest by 1 point during a church pot-luck social last night!

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"


...Apparently the correct answer is 'Fiji Islands'.

 

What does licking a girls.........errr..........frontal hole and diplomatic relations have in common??.....





One slip of the tounge could land you in deep shit...................................

 

I was going to get a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me to forget it... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday.

"I love this country. It's the government I'm afraid of."

 

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

the next time you take a piss...look in your hand therein lies the joke..............

 

Female Geography

Between 18 and 25 A woman is like Africa: Wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.

Between 26 and 34 a woman is like America: Well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.

Between 35 and 44 a woman is like India : Sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.

Between 45 and 54 a woman is like France : Deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.

Between 55 and 60 a woman is like Yugoslavia: A lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.

Between 61 and 65 a woman is like Russia: Vast with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.

Between 66 and 70 a woman is like Mongolia: A glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.

After 70 a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: Many know its whereabouts, but no one dares to venture there......



Male Geography

Between 15 and 90 a man is like Zimbabwe: Ruled by a Dick

 

Funny Demotivational Posters: THEY SEE ME OPERATING MY AUTOMOBILE

 

:rofl:ound::lol:

 

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time...

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!"

 

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

 

For God's sake woman, he's a man, he's got a man cold!: :biggrin:
YouTube - Man Stroke Woman - Man Cold