Humor Thread

Guy walks out the front door of his house one morning, there's a snail on the sidewalk. So he picks it up, throws it over his shoulder, it hits the roof, rolls all the way up the roof, and down the other side.

Six months later, same guy walks out the front door of his house, there's a snail on the sidewalk.

The snail looks up at the guy, says, "Hey buddy, WTF was that all about?"

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

 

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine
it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first
is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

 

Uhhhh... See post 696 (but it's still funny!).

 

Longest password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blond was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

 

How Texas Farmers Deal with Wild Hogs! ​

This west Texas farmer had a feral-hog problem.​

Wild hogs will ruin a farm!​

HAD IS THE KEY WORD HERE!​

Simple solution....:​

​

Holy Hog Poop, Batman!!!; Is that a .50 cal. BARRETT on the dashboard??!!

...And an M-1919 Browning .30 cal. Belt-Fed MACHINE GUN topside?​

​

Yummy!!!​

Yee-Haw, Billy-Bob!!! That'll make for one dandy HOG ROAST, don't ya reckon??!​

Bring on the BBQ!!!​

Crazy Texans! ​

This could work on the border with those pesky drug runners!

​

 

oh man I would love to go to that bbq! except I'd probably get lead poisoning ... it'd be SO worth it!

 

O...M...G... that guy is gonna win an award for best Texan lmao...

 

Is he going to start patrolling the border now and get them illegals?

 

Excellent idea :nod::nod:

 

I want one equipped with a giant tank of CO2 and paintballs.... I will rule the mountain.

 

Well move to Az, we have plenty of mountains to rule,,,and even more moving targets :lol::lol:

 

Being honest on a first date, slightly NSFW or kiddie ears

[video]http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c2a_1281554427[/video]

 

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

 

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."

 

Two women in Dublin see two drunk men coming down the street. The first woman says, "Will you look at those two drunks?" The other woman says, "Well, at least your feller has brought you some flowers." And the first woman says, "You know what that means? I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all week." And the other woman asks, "Why, have you not got a vase?"

 

THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!




Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.​

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open last year.​

But the 5 foot 5 inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back. "This fall I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said. "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."​

"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly", she added.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!​

THIS SELFISH SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH "WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS!"​

WHAT ABOUT US... THE HARD-WORKING EVERYDAY FAN??? ​

​

34DD!!!​

​

FOLKS PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR HOOTERS LIKE THAT! AND MANY OF US PAY TO SEE THEM! AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS TO HAVE THEM REDUCED???​

​

THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!!!​

 

Big honkers and a beautiful face, rare combo there. "Breast REDUCTION, that's like slapping GOD in the face!!!!!!!!!!!"