Humor Thread

YouTube - KBB.com Video Contest Grand Prize Winner

 

Male Maxine

 

Some more....

 

Racer Jeff Gordon Has (the right) "People"

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem
youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able
to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only
do it in 8 seconds with million-dollar high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's
management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the in-
experienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint
scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale
Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

;-)



A Little Known Fact

It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented
by a Polish scientist in the 16th century. The invention was
later modified by an Irish inventor who put a hole in the seat.

 

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

Ironies
An intense lightning storm on June 14 around Monroe, Ohio, destroyed the iconic 62-foot-high statue of Jesus (the "King of Kings" structure of the Solid Rock Church) alongside Interstate 75. While townspeople mourned, it was also noteworthy what the lightning bolts completely missed: the large billboard, on the other side of the road, advertising the nearby Hustler Hollywood pornography store. [Springfield News-Sun, 6-15-10]

 

Maybe a repost... But I just saw it.[video=youtube;hL1pq-ZBeGc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL1pq-ZBeGc[/video]

 

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.



Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.



While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf. I read about golf. I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"



Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker." "Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added. "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

 

Cows...................

[video=youtube;FavUpD_IjVY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FavUpD_IjVY&feature=player_embedded[/video]

 

A little Irish Humor...

Finally - An answer I can Understand...

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat."

 

Homeless Man's Funeral


As a musician, I've played many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.


I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my instrument and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...

 

i think i just had an acid trip lol

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the State Trooper.

 

Always love that one!

 

Ahhh. German technology at its best

Biertijd.com // Media » Crashproof Bike Safety System

 

Not humor but you'll apreciate it: FACEBOOK GIRLS: HOT FACEBOOK CHICK

 

Nerd humor that I can't get enough of.


--




Puns for Educated Minds:







1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."


13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."


15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17.

A backward poet writes inverse.


18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.


19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .


21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"






23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.





A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:




"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to

Rome. So, how are you getting
there?"




"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"




"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"




"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."




"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."




"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."




"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."




A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.





"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."




"Oh, really! What'd he say?"




He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"

 

After the bandages came off for her 100th facelift, Joan asked for a mirror to see the new her.

"What in the hell!" she exclamied. "What are these two red dots on my forehead?"

The nurse replied "those are your nipples. After having so many facelifts like you have had, that is what has happened."

"Oh," she replied. "I guess I know why I have a hairy chest, then."

 

Two best friends were out walking through central park one day, and everyone kept stopping one of them with greetings. Finally the one turned to the other and said "George, do you know EVERYONE?"

George replied, "why yes. I know everyone in this world."

Sam was shocked. "Then call the mayor of New York City." So, George called him. As soon as the mayor picked up his phone, he could hear them having a great conversation. "George!" cried out the mayor. "You need to come over again some time. The wife just loved having you over. " After a few minute conversation, he turned back to Sam. "anyone else you want me to call?" he asked.

"The Govenor of New York," said Sam. Again, George pulled out his cell phone, called the govenor, and another short conversation ensued.

"Fine," said Sam. "The President then." This time however, George called his friend, the president of Virgin Airlines, and got them a free ride to Washington, D.C. where they were greeted with Marine One and flown to the White House. After a meeting with the president, Sam looked at him, and after a few minutes of pondering, said "OK, the Pope.'

George once again called his friend up from Virgin Airlines, and got a free trip to Italy. Once in Vatican City, George looked at him and said "now wait here. He doesn't care much when I bring people over to visit, but just watch for us in his balcony."

About half an hour later, sure enough, out walks George with the Pope. Sam is astounded. By the time George returns to his friend, he is laying there, passed out. George tries to wake him, and after a little time, Sam finally comes to. "Wow!" he exclaims. "George looks at him and asks "what happened? Are you OK?" Sam looks at him and replies "yeah, but what really got me is when someone stopped me and asked who that guy is up there with you!"