Humor Thread

+1 for the epic post.

+100 for the intriguing avatar =P

 

enjoy...

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

 

necrophiliac mice?

 

The Funeral



A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men...

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

So soon after they had been released, the one sperm yells to the group "OK everyone, let's go find that egg to fertilize!"

One a short distance behind him shouted back "good luck! We just passed the tonsils!"

 

Now that is very funny!!!

 

Two Mexicans guys are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

 

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ............



Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north do ya ?


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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or
feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of
the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for
it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

 

So. This old guy names Joe likes to fish. He always meets up with the conservation officer who is ever so diligent with his duties. They sort of become professional friends over the years. The CO is also fond of fishing and notices that Joe seems to be very successful every time they meet.

CO finally asks Joe if they can fish together some day when the CO is off duty. Joe says, " Sure. Lets go next Monday bright and early. I know of a lake , secluded and just full of trout." So the next Monday off they go.

They launch their car top boat into this little lake and paddle out into the middle and get their rods ready. Joe, smoking his ever present cigar, reaches into his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite and lights it with the cigar. He then throws it into the lake and then "BOOM!" Joe then reaches into the lake and gathers up all the dead fish that float to the top.

The CO is astounded. "Joe. You can't do that. That is illegal. I am going to have to arrest you for this."

Joe calmly reaches into the tackle box for another stick of dynamite, lights it with his cigar then hands it to the CO.

"Are we gonna fish or talk shop?"

 

Jose works for Joe the contractor. One day Jose has to call in sick, even though he needs the money to support his wife and kids.

Jose: Boss, I no come to work today. I no feel so good.

Joe: Ahh Jose, we're really busy today and I need your help. I tell ya, when I don't feel so good, I just go and have sex with my wife. That always makes me feel better. Give it a try and see if you can make it in.

Jose: OK, boss, I try.

A few hours later Jose shows up at work feeling great.

Boss: Hey, Jose! Glad you made it.

Jose: Yea boss, I do just like you say. By the way, boss, you got nice house.

 

I found this foreign TV commercial to be not only humorous, but quite stimulating... http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

 

wtf country is that from? lol
thanks for the not girlfriend safe notice asshole lol

 

Gonna have to 2nd that vote.... I was w/ my chick too lmao

 

Little 4 year old Timmy was taking a bath when mommy came in. Timmy pointed at his testicles and asked, "mommy, are these my brains?" To which his mommy calmly replied, "not yet, Timmy, not yet."

 

So if I posted a "NOT GIRLFRIEND FRIENDLY" warning, your GFs wouldn't have been curious and insisted on looking? Yeah, that's good psychology. And it's just boobies. I think your GFs have them. My wife enjoyed it (except when I played it over and over and over and over again). So don't be such pooses. (lol and J/K!)

 

To hell with your MF boat, I'll be on a plane bitches........

 

Old guy humor coming up. It makes me feel great that at 41, so many of you fuggers are older than me on this forum. :wink: Enjoy!

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door...'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'


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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one say s, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical..

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[video=youtube;VQsiLDAxud0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQsiLDAxud0&feature=player_embedded#![/video]