Humor Thread

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

 

.......................Our laws are being re-written so everyone can understand the laws they ignore.

 

Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!

 

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face

I apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

 

Profound, huh?

 

A Man watching a game of golf on TV, kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game" he said to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them...." his wife said, "You already know how to play Golf!!!!"

 

How to get a quick response...

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


(True Story)

Moral: Don't mess with old people.

 

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[video=youtube;i-EN8dpAvBw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-EN8dpAvBw[/video]

 

Difference between American and the Muslim countrys (Yes Squids!)

 

In Canada we would have a beaver on with us?

 

Google search bloopers: Just4lolz: Best Google bloopers

 

Some guys just have to much time on the hands or sheep. Pong anybody?

Things To Do With Sheep - Epic Win FTW -Awesome Photos and Videos

 

You said "beaver". Hee hee hee.

 

i had a beaver on me once. did i ever tell you about that?

 

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with ass problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a $20 bill lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 bill appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 dollars exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'

 

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two Englishmen along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor English fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high"

 

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the famous golf course at St Andrews. When suddenly, a groundskeeper shouts:

'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'


The golfer replies:

'Excuse me, my good fellow,I'm from England ...Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'


The keeper replies:

'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

 

yep just a lil out there imho