Humor Thread

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

This one was sent to my on my private address by another of our fine VFRW memebrs. Enjoy:


Chili anyone?
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.

The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

Jon Lajoie sums it up best.............

[video=youtube;6wS5xOZ7Rq8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wS5xOZ7Rq8[/video]

 

For you fishermen:

Bill Dance's classic bloopers. [VIDEO]

 

Afghanistan Goes Gaga - April 30, 2010

 

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness!

Someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off and kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

 

It will be interesting but I don;t believe on humors.Its just fake for me.It will make your site more interesting but the fact will be not there.

 

^^^ At least you've found the right thread for that post.

 

Congratulations, HAVCAR! You came up with a response! I think the rest of us were stunned into silence. I tried to come up with something but just couldn't. For awhile I thought it was one of those Buddhist Koans...you know, like "what is the sound of one hand clapping?"

 

The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
The ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
Be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
A salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
In your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
For as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
Money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
With a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an ' HST Compensation'' payment. For our American friends, HST = Harmonized Sales tax.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'HST Compensation' payment ?

A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada. )

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !

 

LOL
Better do it fast. The Canucks are about to get eliminated by the Blackhawks. (Sorry, it is a humor thread and I couldn't resist.)

 

Teh Canucks have never held it together to the end.

 

If only my gf had some iboobs

 

A Maine Lobster Story...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

Urgent!. Please pass this long!!


WARNING!

If you get an email and it says "nude pictures of Oprah" don't open it.
It contains nude pictures of Oprah.

 

What happens if you give a politician Viagra?
He gets taller!

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set."

 

i stayed up really late to read every last post to make sure I didn't duplicate anything- so here it goes:

A man turned to his wife one day and asked her if he could cum in her ear.

"No!" she replied, " I could go deaf!"

"Bull- shit!!" exclaimed the husband "I come in your mouth all the time and you won't shut the fuck up!!"

 

So Bill wakes up after a terrible accident. He was told that his penis had been severed off, but due to a new experiment, a trunk of an elephant fetus had been put on in it's place.

"Now," says the Doctor, " give it some time for you to figure out how to use it before you, well, uh, use it."

So after a few months, he finally gets the nerve up to go out on a date. During the dinner, his date notices something sneak up on the table and grab a roll. Her eyes get real big as she looks at him and says "WOW! Can you do that again?"

"No" he replies, seeming to be in pain. "I don't think I could take another roll shoved up my ass!"