Humor Thread

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

epic. simply epic.

 

bwah ahaahaahaahaaaahaahhaaaa

 

Chili anyone?

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his aprom up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

I looked at your "Location" under your avatar and it says "my own hood" and I always wondered what you meant by that. Now I know. That is funny shit there

 

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some
construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give
a child the gift of our time.... See More

A young family moved into a house, next to a
vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began
to build a house on the empty lot. The young
family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in the goings-on and spent much of
each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week, they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten
dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the
teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay check at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,
'I worked last week with a real construction crew
building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at
Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock.'

 

quiz night


I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.
The tie-break question was, "Where do women
mostly have curly hair?"



Apparently it's Africa .

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

 

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , ' Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

 

I would've thanked x10 for that one... made me spill my o.j. laughin =P

 

Skippy’s List Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army
some of my favorites:
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

 

Australian Farmer vs Greeney Logic

<
The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers and Government had a more humane’ solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
All of the farmers thought about this ‘amazing’ idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said.... “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain’t fuckin’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ‘em!”

 

If moms have mothers day, dads have fathers day, those dating or married have valentines day, what do single guys have? Palm Sunday?

 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You
aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with
one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go. . . "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him back to reality,
Whispering . . .


"Dave . . . .



. . . .you're a vet".

 

YouTube - PixiesProductionInc's Channel

"bacon is good for me!"

 

WTF!?!? wow... shows ya what kinda parents the runt has... let their kid mouth off like that, and then let him pack a bag and wander off... i'd have beat mine lol

 

STAGED!!!! I agree with ya pyro, I just have a hard time beliving that would go down the same way if there were no cameras there. Crap like this is why I've written off "reality televisoin" off allmost completely.

 

I would have packed the little fugger bags for him and opened the door. A swift kick in the ass as he was leaving/

 

And then i would've changed the locks or moved. that little shit needs to get a good ass whoopin' until he learns to talk to adults with some respect. Boy go cut me a switch!!:whip:

 

yeah, I have very little faith in so-called "reality" tv these days... started off strong, but now they try to find the most outrageous people to put in front of cameras.... just once, I'd like to see a normal VFR rider =P anyway, BACK TO JOKES!!!