Humor Thread

Nag, Nag, Nag - one of the best



An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight . Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

 

Canada and the USA share the longest undefended border in the world. This is really a great thing. Cause if we were not such great neighbours, we could have this at the border;

YouTube - India-Pakistan border ceremony - BBC

 

Perhaps you could hold a similar ceremony at the UFRR compound each evening. I'm certain the neighbors would be thrilled. I know I would put that on my vacation agenda for sure. :biggrin::tongue:

 

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That was me before the surgery."

 

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing! You already told her twice.................




(no hate mail for that one. I don't make them up, I just tell them)

 

Tiger Woods Top 9 Jokes List



1. Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.



2. It Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."



3. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.



4. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards........



5. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing



6. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.



7. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!



8. What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.



9. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early? He wanted to get to the second hole.

 

Plain clean old time humour without perversion and profanity.

 

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?"

He called back & said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Fuck You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went... A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

 

A guy is sitting at a bar, just staring at his drink for half an hour, when this big, trouble-making outlaw biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'Wha'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder.
"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you just show up and drink my cyanide."

 

Morals

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

 

In case your pondering changing religion. Here's a few choices.

 

Math test.

This math test can predict your all-time most-watched film. Mine was

Saving Private Ryan

Try it without looking at the answers. It's easy and really works:


Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.


Multiply that by 3.

Add those two digits together.



Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.


Your number is:

1. Gone With The Wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Dances With Wolves.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Doctor Zhivago.





9. The Joy Of Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

 

Man, Sheep and Sheep Dog

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" agian. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex in months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."

 

An old Allied WWII pilot is telling war stories on a radio show.

He starts with:
"We were out over Berlin and these four f*ckers were coming straight at us."

The shows host interrupts and says:
"Perhaps I should explain to the audience that the Germans had a fighter plane called the Fokker and some times the allied pilots would call it the f*cker."

The pilot continued: " We were out over Berlin when these 4 f*ckers in Messerschmidts where coming straight at us."

 

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............ "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the FUCKING SALT TRUCK."

 

We all get heavier as we get older, Because there's a lot more information in our heads.

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

*****************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started..

*******************


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

**************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

***************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started

***************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...........

Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell?

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure! I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow!! That's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.
Guy: Cool!

Satan: What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean....

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?
Guy: No........

Satan: Oooooh, Fridays are going to be tough