Humor Thread

WINTER POEM

It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the fucking ground!

 

Use your other guns.......

YouTube - Your Other Guns

 

swear jar.......

YouTube - Bud Light Swear Jar

 

Objective Find a job where the people I work with aren't all against me. Also, I'd like to find a job where the boss doesn't pick on me. I'm thinking of someday being my own boss. I want to make a lot of money. I need some creative space so I can make things. I want to have the extra time to enjoy the things I'm interested in, like partying and seeing some bands. I'm a people watcher, and I'm thinking about learning to play guitar. I just read a book that describes how men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation. I'd like some time to practice this.

Employment
a) Astro Gas , interection of Greely and Portland Blvd.

Employed: December 2 to December 22 1995

Responsibilities: I pumped gas, checked oil, and sold cigarettes to motorists and the high school students that waited for the bus there.

Reason for leaving: The boss and everyone had it out for me. The bastards I worked with told my boss that I was stealing money from the till, then they framed me for it.The boss was picking on me for being late a few times, and got pretty uptight about me showing up with booze on my breath. (It was a good damned thing that I'd drank that whiskey right before I got to work; otherwise he would have smelled the weed on my breath too. Hey, I wasn't kidding when I said I liked to party, man.) He got mad because I sold cigarettes to minors. I think that law is bull shit. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's an idiot. He wouldn't let me have time off for Christmas so I can visit my brother. No one treats me that way. He'll get whats coming to him. I'm telling you; that bastard is going to pay.

b) Parr Lumber, Martin Luther King Blvd, Portland.

Employed: November 6 to November 22 1995.

Responsibilities: Take the broken pallets and make them into good, usable ones. Got the door for the contractors. Swept the parking lot and yard to keep it free of dangerous debris, like wet cardboard, sawdust, and wood chips.

Reason for leaving: The boss would ride me about smoking and talking to people walking by. I was doing Parr a customer service deed by establishing good relations with the public. If you call them they will tell you I made a lewd comment to a customer. That ho is fulla shit. She flirted with me. She started it. My boss was a dork from Vancouver. His daughter was foxy and he would get uptight when I'd talk to her. He was infringing upon my constitutional rights be telling me I couldn't smoke in the warehouse because of "fire codes." Thats a bunch of crap. Everyone knows that a cigarette couldn't burn down a whole warehouse. It was just too big. He was an insensitive ass for not letting me have Thanksgiving off to visit my brother. He also claims that he caught me jerking off in the warehouse. I wasn't jerking off. I got a sliver down there and was trying to get it out.

c) Burger King, Barbur Blvd, Portland.

Employed: October 20 to November 1 1995

Responsibilities: Cook and janitorial work. I took the 40 pound frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart with a screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen hammer and put them in the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there are two sizes, whopper and regular,) and put them into the appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer. It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor underneath the tables where the cleaners couldn't reach with their machines.

Reason for leaving: I came into work the day after Halloween and a couple pigs were there and they told me I wasn't allowed to go in. The manager came out and gave me my last check and told me I was fired. I asked him what it was all about and he said I came in on Halloween and started screaming and throwing things around and shoved a lady up against the salad bar. That's a lie. I was drinking with Ciccione in N.E. Portland. I was riding my brother's Huffy (because my car was impounded for a bull shit DWI charge I was framed on.) I don't think there is any way I could have got from N.E. Portland to S.W. Portland on that bike in one night, especially since I was so drunk. He hated me anyhow. I got more dignity than that. So I punched the son of a bitch and the pigs arrested me. That bald headed do gooder punk deserved it. He had to have been lying. He said I was on a blackout. That's a lie. I don't remember ever having a blackout. He got mad at me for spitting on the paddies with with my buddy Rob. He said that that was discusting and that he was really dissapointed. What a geek. He didn't even see the humor in a harmless game of "burger roulette."

 

Your Hired How Does $.50 A Year Sound

 

A lesson in Dealing with the PoPo especially for Joey:

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females." And all the bears in the forest turned into females.

The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."

 

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They're such asses ...

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay down on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. ... "What's for dinner?

And that's when the fight started

 

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'



MEN NEVER LISTEN.

 

May your life be long and usefull....like a roll of toilet paper.

 

So. My wife and I are having a discussion that is less than romantic. She is complaining I don't really listen to her and know her wants, needs and feelings

"After 25 years of maarriage, you don't even know what my favorite flower is."

"I sure do. Its Robin Hood All Purpose."

Thats when the fight started.

 

funniest thing I've seen all day : "how do you gas up your bike?"

 

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited visiting outback stockman Jimmy. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its a$$! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shlt like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy replied :
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"I just want the name of the effing pr#k who pushed me in !"
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broken link?

 

nah, thats just another thread here lol

 

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real tits, and the men didn't hold hands.

 

nursimg home

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

 

Who's Your Best Friend?

If you don't know, just try this experiment. Put your dog and
your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

Thanks for my first coffee spit of the week.