Humor Thread

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

A cowboy is riding his horse across a hot desert. He spots a cabin and rides over to ask if he could water his horse and take a break from riding. He rides up to the cabin and sees an Indian sitting in the shade on the front porch.

He asks “Say Indian, do you mind if I water my horse?”

To which the Indian replies “Me no mind.”

The cowboy leaves the horse to drink his fill and wanders over to the porch.

He asks the Indian “say, do you mind if I sit in the shade for a spell.”

The Indian replies “Me no Mind.”

The cowboy sits for a while, but the Indian is not very talkative. The cowboy gets up and walks over to the Indian’s horse, which is tied up to the hitching rail in front of the porch.

The cowboy looks at horse and asks the Indian “Do you mind if I talk with your horse?”

The Indian replies “Horse no talk”

The cowboy asks “Horse, how’s life out here with the Indian.”

The horse, to the amazement of the Indian, replies “Not too bad, I get fed and watered every day, and the Indian takes me out for nice rides.”

The cowboy, seeing a dog lying under the porch, asks the Indian “Do you mind if I talk with your dog?”

To which the Indian replies “Dog no talk.”

The cowboy asks the dog “How is it living out here with the Indian?”

The dog answers “Not too bad, the Indian feeds me regularly, I get plenty of water, and the Indian takes me with him when he exercises the horse.”

The cowboy spots a sheep in a corral next to the house. He asks “Indian, do you mind if I talk with your sheep?”

The Indian replies “Sheep lie”

 

WHY ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of dark?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

roflmfao!

Classics... I often wonder why mickey wears pants but donald doesn't...

 

Was in the pub yesterday and suddenly realized I desperately needed
to fart. The music was really, really loud so I timed my farts with the
beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better but after finishing my beer
noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Suddenly I remembered was listening to my iPod.

 

OK the below story is for real but still funny:

" A MAN jumped into a fast-flowing river because he couldn't take his wife's nagging anymore.

The Chinese lorry driver, known as Zhou, and his wife were on a ferry on the Yangtze River when it all became too much for him, the Chongqing Evening Post reports.

Members of the ship's crew saw the man suddenly run out of his cabin with his hands covering his ears, and shouting: "I can't stand it any longer."

They initially thought he was suffering from an ear injury and went to help him but found he was unhurt.

"While we were still puzzling over the this, his wife ran up and continued nagging him," said a crewmate.

"The husband covered his ears again and said: 'I need a break' before jumping over the side into the rushing river.

"We immediately found lamps to light up the water but found nobody. The possibility of survival can be zero."

However, later that night, police found the man who had managed to swim about 2km across across the broad river.

"I felt I was dying, but even that's better than my wife's nagging," he reportedly told the police. :biggrin:

The couple were reunited the following morning at the local police station where Zhou's wife promised to give up her habit of nagging him. "






News Linky:
How man ended his wife's nagging

 

5 Yr. Old's first job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

 

There, I Fixed It: Epic Kludges + Jury Rigs

very, very funny

 

A little girl was in the park on a particularily beautiful day when a preacher walked by.

"And a very good morning to you my dear child." said the preacher. "You are such a pritty girl. And you dress is just lovely. And what might your name be?"

"My name is Petal." the little girl told the preacher. "And my mommy made me this pretty dress. She makes me all sorts of pretty things to wear."

The preacher enquired, "Well petal....that is a very distictive and pretty name. How did your mom come to call you Petal?"

"Well you see," said the little girl, " when my mommy was carrying me in her tummie, she was resting in the shade of a lovely big oak tree. A leaf fell down off this tree and landed on her belly so she decided that she should name me Petal."

My goodness. That is a fine story. And I see you have a dog with you. And it has a pretty blue ribbon in its hair. What kind of dog is that Petal?"

"This kind of dog is a Miniature French Poodle. My mommy gave him to me a year ago. I get his hair cut and his new ribbon once a month you know."

"Then what might your little puppy's name be?" asked the preacher.

Petal proudly announced, "His name is Porky."

The preacher was bewildered. "Why is his name Porky"

Petal just giggled and smiled then said quietly to the preacher, "Cause he fucks pigs."

 

In order to continue getting-by in our home land, we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunte en???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

Da suns li da covasashin in ma muderilau houz wha I vi-it dere.

 

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
(Ok banned for life now...see ya)

 

Random thought of the 25 - 40 crowd

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a ---- from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my --- everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

 

ah, Keag... I actually laughed out loud haven't done that in a while bro :thumbsup: YOU ROCK!

 

A man is walking down the street when he looks over and there on a lawn is a couple having sex.
Then he notices in the side yard same thing, a couple going at it. Behind the the hedge there's oral sex and next to the garden, more sex. On the front porch is a well dressed couple talking.

"Hey, what kind of place is this? This is neighborhood for goodness sakes"

" Well, sir, this is a brothel"

"Ok,...well.... take it indoors....everyone can see it out here"

" Oh , that, .....we're having a yard sale."







Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Give an octopus nunchucks and no one will ever catch fish again.

 

---> you have to say this next one out loud:

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

 

6 degrees of blonde

I'm blonde, it's ok... (and some days it's more obvious than others...)


6 degrees of blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-..,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

 

And so an Airline captain was flying overseas on a flight that would keep him and his crew over night in antoher country. He had a brand new blond stewardess with him so he decided to take her under his wings so to speak, and teach her the ropes. Where to shop. The finest food and drink, and the nicest hotel.

The next morning while the captain was doing his pre flight, he was all too aware that the new blond stewardess was not there. He knew what hotle she stayed a so he called direct to her room.

The blond answered the phone and was in tears.

What is the matter? asked the captain

I can't get out of my room, replied the blond. There are only three doors here. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, adn the other has a sign on it saying "Don not disturb"