Humor Thread

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we' d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings . Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

Food for thought.
Everyone knows what Preparation H is for but have you ever wondered what happened to Preparations A through G?

 

When are practicing Lawyers and doctors finally going to get it right and start working for real. And why do planes land at a terminal. And in the Pro vs Con issue, what is the opposite of progress? WTF

 

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked

"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."

 

My kind of doctor...


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottomsup!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure,explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38
Revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex Watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have
A beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
Another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

 

:canada::canada::canada:How to know if you live in Canada:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation With someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada .

If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow During a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, But leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumpers in your car And your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume To fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, You're going 90 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, And road construction, You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles On your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada .

If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada .:canada::canada::canada:

 

This pretty much applies to Michigan as well, but we're close enough, eh? Well...accept for vacationing south of Detroit maybe...lol

 

Randy's rarely spoken of mountie modeling career:

 

Funny. That Whiskey is not imported here WTF

 

And so it begins... (c'mon, if I didn't post it some else would have):

CNN has confirmed that Michael Jackson died today after eating 12 year old nuts. On his way into the Emergency Room he was heard to whisper: “Take me to the children’s ward”.

As a result of his untimely passing his scheduled dates were canceled (Thomas, age 10 and Johnny age 12).

In his last known phone call he placed a call to Boyz-2-Men, mistakenly believing it was a delivery service.

LA Police closed the road outside of Mr. Jackson’s estate shortly after his death as a result of too many Big Wheels parked in front of the house.

Long time rival, Mr. Potato Head said that he and Mr. Jackson had recently ended their feud over who had the most noses.

In memory of Mr. Jackson, J C Penney’s has announced they will hold a one day sale-Boys pants: ½ off!

The McDonalds company has just announced a “short time only promotion” The McMichael Burger. 50 year old meat between 12 year old buns.

Funeral arrangements have not yet been announced, but it has been confirmed that Elton John will sing his big hit: “Don’t let the son go…..” (oh well, well you know the rest)



On Larry King tonight Larry’s special guest panel will probe the question: “What was the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?” (The answer of course is: 3 Hours!)

 

It seems to me that people aren't focusing on this aspect of the "King of Pop" enough! Thanks-

 

...Continued

When Farrah died and went to heaven and saw St. Peter, he told her that she's lived a good life and if there is anything he can do for her. She just asked that he keep all of the children safe...


Since Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he's going to be melted down into Legos so that little kids can play with him for a change.

 

Another little tidbit sent to me this morning. I know this is the "humor thread but still:

Michael Jackson's Other Legacy - June 25, 2009

 

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican because they have requested an
audience, and are The Seven Dwarfs they were ushered directly in to see
the Holy Father.

Dopey walks to the front of the other dwarfs:

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns
back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

YouTube - Officer - Krispy Kreme

 

Only a Canadian can truly appreciate this!


A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan , Vancouver Island . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Duncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service, and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

OH CANADA !:treehugger::canada:

 

LOL I'm not a canadian but I laughed at that one. Thanks! :thumbsup: