Humor Thread

A recent study I read says that only 1 out of 5 men know how to turn the dish washer on. I must be the 1 out of 5 that knows how, licking her nipples and some dirty talk works on mine.


And that ladies is what a 100th post should NOT look like.

 

But it will do in a pinch Bing. Or a tweak, or slap and tickle.

 

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?



Nothing, you already told her twice............................:behindsofa:

 

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

 

I was walking though the cemetary this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "Morning"

He said "No, just taking a shit."

 

I decided today to make a website to help women become better drivers, didn't get to far, it kept crashing.

 

Just in time for Easter

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out you idiot. You're on my side!"

 

A Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking;

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"

 

Doing the twins

A friend of mine has just told me he's banging his girlfriend and her twin.

I asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He said, "Her brother has a mustache."

 

Stress Management Exercise

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile:

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the Democrat you're holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

 

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were
in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed
in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You ...have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married
for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now
she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

The Easy Life in the Australian Army

A letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!


Life is Good in the Army, at brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!


Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.


Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.


I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said.........................................

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

And thats when the fight started...

 

No Pun Intended

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

A little boy approached a shopping Mall security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"

The little guy thought for a moment and replied,
"Bourbon with coke and a blond with big tits."

 

Weenie Test



Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.


"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.


Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.


That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.


"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."


"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.


"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?


"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."

 

Olympics joke

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
Haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
Walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over
His shoulder.
" Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
It under his arm
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

 

How to work out Distance Vs MPH - It's funny because its true.

[video=youtube;Qhm7-LEBznk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk[/video]