Humor Thread

I have never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell "Orange" and you asked if I want the fruit or the colour, you kind of caught me off guard.

 

I want the juice.

 

I kind of forgot about that sick dumb bastard, Joe Cartoon.
LMAO.

https://joecartoon.com/watch/Pscbbc/Donald_Trump_in_a_Blender

For equal time, Hilary.

https://joecartoon.com/watch/4wcbbc

LMAO some more. Blend 'em all!

 

I was doing my weekly chore of laundry and spent seems like hours folding my cloths nice and neat. I thought to myself, why don't I just become a nudist. I took a break from the folding to contemplate the idea.

Hanging on the wall right next to me was a mirror. I went back to folding the laundry without another thought.

 

I overheard someone say in a conversation that he believed that when people in their twenties talked about old people, they were talking about him. Hell, when I hear people in their twenties speaking of old people, I think they are talking about my son!

 

Jim: "For New Years this year, I am going to give up smoking."

Robert; "For new years this year, I am going to give up partying and drinking. What about your, Randy?"

Randy: "For New Years this year, I am going to give up your two idiots."

 

Last Thursday a passenger was riding in the back of a cab on his way to the Vancouver Airport. He leaned forward and tapped on the drivers shoulder to get his attention to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches before smashing into a plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the still shaking diver asked, "Are you OK? I am so sorry but you scared the sit out of me!"

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that tapping on a driver's shoulder would startle someone so badly!"

The driver said, "No no. I am the one who is so sorry. Today was my first day driving a taxi. I have been driving a hearse for over 25 years."

 

Newfie 911 Call

A Newfoundlander woman was cleaning her husbands rifle and accidentally shot him.

Newfie woman, "Its my fooken husband, I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!"

Operator: "Please, calm down ma'am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead?"

Click.....BANG!.

Newfie woman, "OK. I done dat dere. What now?"

 

Got me laughing pretty good this one did.

 

Randy, LMAO... I used to be married to ....... never mind.

 

I have always thought of myself as a really nice person. But it seems the people driving slow in the fast lane have a differing opinion of me.

 

Dr. Oz said that rubbing coffee grounds all over your body will help to reduce cellulite so I thought I would give it a try. The staff at Starbucks were all looking at me funny and the cops are at the door now.

 

Laugh? My son borrowed my truck to move some stuff and I gave him cargo straps to secure the stuff inside the box of the truck. He told me the straps broke after a couple miles. He wrapped the straps around the top of the cargo, under the truck and beneath the drive shaft, then back to the top. He was young and not very mechanically inclined. He knew how to insert a key on the door but my gawd, heaven help him if he had to figure out how to change a tire by himself. But I did show him how and showed him the cars owners manual. Things are far better now.

 

Cornerbrook Newfoundland RCMP get a call, "RCMP-GRC. Bonjour. May I help you?

I'm calling to report my neighbour, Virgil Smith. He is hiding a lot of marihuana in his pile of firewood. I don't quite know how he gets it into those firewood logs but I know its there.

"Thank you for the call. We will handle it from here."

Next morning 6 Mounties descend upon Virgil Smith's back yard armed with axes and splitting mauls. Three hours later, 4 chords of firewood is split up and left laying there on the ground. No marihuana was anywhere to be found. The frustrated Mounties left the premises and return to their office saddened with their failure.

A few minutes after they left Virgil Smith's home, he receives a phone call from his friend, Billy James. "Hey Virgil. Did the Mounties show up at your place?"

"Well yea they did!"

"Did they chop up your winter's firewood for ya while they were there?"

"Yea they sure did that fur sure!"

"Well Happy Birthday buddy!"

Newfies really know how to get a job done, bless their hearts.

 

There is some recent scientific evidence that suggest there is a lot of credibility to the thought that if you are cleaning the house, you will not get into an argument with your wife. There is one instance where this does not stand up. If you are doing it wrong.

 

If a man wanders into the forest, falls down and screams out, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

 

I used to have this posted up beside my desk years ago........
Political Correctness...... is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.