Humor Thread

I awoke early one morning
the world lay quiet and still,
When suddenly a pretty bird
perched on my window sill,
It sang of far off places
of laughter and of fun,
It seems its very trilling
brought out the morning sun.
I stirred beneath my covers
crept softly fromy bed,
Slowly closed the window
and crushed its fucking head

Sorry Chickey

 

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their
significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped
the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing
before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his
head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it
so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You
loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman
named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't
look good, Dick."

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He Advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a Lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she Let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before Landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire Cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , Please raiseyour hand?" Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2.. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!

 

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great... that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen!'

 

The new chief

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

 

> Five surgeons from
> big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
>
> The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on
> my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
> numbered.'
>
> The second, from Chicago, responds,
> ' Yeah, but you should try electricians!
> Everything inside them is color
> coded.'
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas, says,
> 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is
> in alphabetical order'
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
> 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand
> when you have a few parts left over.'
>
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D C shut them all up when he
> observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
> on. *There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the
> head and the butt are interchangeable.

For a joke to be funny there has to be a bit of truth in it, sadly____ this one is more truth thank joke.

 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it..

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 'S correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

 

Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday...
Even the calendar says
W T F.

 

> The Fishing Trip
>
> A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day
with an 8 Lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the
third cast, he caught his first walleye over 11 pounds. Right about then,
his cell phone rang.
>
> It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a
couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the
rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never
seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered
his wife.
>
> Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital... He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
>
> The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'
'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll
be her care giver forever!'
>
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
>
> The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead.
What'd you catch?'

 

how about this one lok down when you r peeing...the jokes in your hand....(truck stop bathroom humor)

 

This is for all you Michiganders...


MICHIGAN LOVE STORY

A young woman in Cheboygan, Michigan, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
Straits.

She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me".

"He certainly is", the captain said. This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry".

 

3 Kids Fishing

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your black ass from drowning!

 

Three gay guy (whom have never met) were at a crematory to collect the ashes of their three lovers. The first gay guy says, "My lover was a pilot, so what Im going to do is rent an airplane. Then Im going to take his ashes up in the plane and spread them around in the air." The second gay guy says, "That sounds so nice. My lover was a sailor, so what Im going to do is rent a boat and spread his ashes all over the ocean." The third gay guy says "That sounds so special. Well my lover was a chef. He really loved to cook. So what Im going to do Is make a big pot of chilli. In this big pot of chilli Im going to find the hotest spices in the world and put it in the chilli. Then Im going to put my lovers ashes in the chilli and eat it....so he can tear my ass up one more time"

 

......................

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

 

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every
time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there
now!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Life is too short......drink more beer today!

 

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's New Foundland and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and
thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week. hen Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back Iito the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

 

Why the English wore red coats in battle

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at.

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

 

This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women ..

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive..

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

 

A guy who was a Kiawo pilot sent me this.

YouTube - OH-58 Kiowa Helicopter Night Video of Couple