Humor Thread

When we recover these ISIS goats, do we do rape kits on them?

 

Yep!

 

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

DRUNK SQUIRREL:

 

You call it peeing in the shower....gross. I call it multi tasking

 

Folgers. They got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is getting the fuck out of the house before her father comes through the door.

 

Funny, most people probably wouldn’t admit to it! But don’t worry, urine is sterile and a common way of rinsing wounds in the wild rather than wasting precious drinking water.

 

So. Those caught getting a golden shower can now say they are rinsing out some cuts?

 

Lots of cuts! Actually read about this in a Wilbur Smith novel about South Africa, great series.

 

Saw this today over at Newcomb's Ranch. The one on the right caught my eye...

 

Whenever I fill up my bike, I like to stick the big hard hose in it's Gas-hole.