Humor Thread

OHHH BOY!!!! I wouldnt dare...

 

I've read that one before but it is funny today too. I think there is a thread "That's when the fight started" or something like that which has several of those posted up.

 

A very wealthy art collectors lawyer said to him: "I have some good news and I have some bad news”

The art collector replies: "I’ve had an bad day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks are worth at least $4,000,000”.

The collector replies enthusiastically: “Well done, thats very good news! You’ve made my day and now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary”.

 

[h=1]Five Kinds Of Sex[/h] 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

 

That was funny. Except my ex got next to fuck all.

 

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent....I never know what those fuckers are planning.

 

I had no idea you are a magician, how'd you pull that trick ?

 

Threatened to sue not only her, but her boyfriend for alimony. Here, if things have not been settled, if she lives with him in matrimony, his income comes into play. So does his pension, his assets and home and so on. And she was feeling oh so guilty about what she had done.

 

Best result possible then.

One work mate got a call from his kids while he was at work to say they caught her in bed with his mate, in the divorce he got custody of both children but still had to pay her for half the house and has been paying her alimony on top of it for the last 8 years because as coached by her feminist men hating friends at the time she told the divorce court she was nuts therefore too incompetent to work, not to excuse it but it's no wonder some men in ugly divorces end up going postal through unfairness and frustration.

 

And they want equality......I don't believe in equal rights, just equal opportunity.

 

I went on a job interview recently, but they didn't hire me.

When I met with Human Resources, she asked me what my biggest weakness was. I told her honesty.

The HR lady said I don't think honesty is a weakness.

I told her I don't give a shit what she thinks.

 

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

 

So. I meet my pals at the pub the other night of a pint. Being ever so mindful of a womans sensitivities, I text my wife to let her know where I was. "Mary. I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I am not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."

 

I have been told at my age, I should not worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.

 

[h=1]Crashing Supermodels[/h] Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"

Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

 

I literally snort-laughed at that last one! Bravo.

 

Box thing wuz hysterical :thumbsup: eace:

 

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Why do most women get hemorrhoids a lot more often than men?..........................................because god made man a perfect asshole.