Humor Thread

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Peterborough, Ontario.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

 

This reminded me, when I was in high school we had to have the obligatory meeting with our "guidance councilor." I had never seen the woman. This was one of those school system boondoggle jobs where they pretended to care about our future while drawing a pay check. I sat down and she asked me "what do you most want to do in life." At that moment I believe I took my first steps to becoming a free thinking adult. I could have made up some bull shit that I knew she wanted to hear but I choose instead to tell the truth. She did ask after all. I said "I want to ride motorcycle and have sex!" She didn't think that was a damn bit funny and I got a chewing out for not being serious about my future but Hey! I was 16. Any other answer would have been a lie.

 

^^^ was post 2222. Kinda like a pizza commercial or something don't ya think?

 

Be yourself! Live your dreams!

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!


Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration,please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

 

I may be wrong but your Irish cop sounds a lot like a Scot to me. Either one would enjoy beating the shit out of a London lawyer I am sure.

Do they ask for "License and registration" in the UK or is it something else they ask for when you are nicked for speeding?

 

Love this clip from English comedian Catherine Tate because everyones met someone who talks of themselves above their real abilities. :biggrin:
( Doctor Who fans might recognise her as one of David Tennants companions )

" I Can Do That "
[video=youtube;BmUPnei30c0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmUPnei30c0[/video]

 

There once lived a beautiful queen, with large, beautiful breasts, and one of the kingdom's knights, Sir Percival, was driven wild with desire to see them. One day, the court physician promised Percival he could arrange for him to have his way with the queen's breasts, for the tidy sum of 100 gold pieces.

That night while the queen bathed, the physician sprinkled some itching powder in the queen's brassier. An hour later, the queen beckoned for the physician to seek relieve. The court doctor promised the queen he knew of but a single cure. Only the saliva of good Sir Percival had the magic power to soothe the itching. The doctor provided Percival with the antidote to the itching powder and instructed him to discreetly spread some on the queen's breasts after he thoroughly suckled them. The queen was quite satisfied by Percival's cure.

The next morning, the physician summoned Percival to get paid. Percival scoffed and said, "I won't pay you, and you can't turn me in! For you too would be beheaded for your treachery!"

That evening, the physician sprinkled some itching powder in the king's underwear.

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'' she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

I woke up this morning at 8, and could just feel something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered, shit... McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:00.

 

^^^ Now that was really baaaaaad.

 

You might have to stand on your head for this one.

OK then. I flipped it for ya.

 

When my working days are over
and my time has come to pass,
I hope they burry me upside down
so the world can kiss my ass.

 

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’

===========================================================================================


In heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and the bankers are Swiss.

In hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

 

Doesn't need be upside down
Just pick a spot to kiss
You're all Ass..........................................................hahahaha I so funny

 

I see Janay Rice started up a website about domestic violence. She had 10 hits in 30 seconds.

 

Waaay to soon for this one!!

Ride Red!

 

lol! That's hilarious!

 

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down... waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Roy shook his head and said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'