Humor Thread

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

 

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

Coffee spit through the nose on that one!

 

I was going to cut and paste that to FB but my wife sees that!

 

Aaaannnd we would be visiting you in the hospital. LOL

 

really/ In the hospital REALLY?

You just go there to the ER in the hospital and see if I am there. FFS! It is more than likely the guddam morgue!

 

ROTFLMAO.

 

They're not running a business, that line of folks out the door ? it's just a friendly Barbiequeue.

 

I wonder if squirrelman has his trained to do that in his nuts

 

Laughed out load on set, had 20 people looking my way
Thanks


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Socialism: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. You give them both to the government and they may give you some milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. You give all the milk from them to the government and they sell it.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.

Anarchism: You have two cows. You keep both the cows, shoot the government agent and go steal another cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

 

Old bull and young bull are standing at the top of the hill. Looking over the fenced fields, there was one field of cows. Young bull all excited and wide-eyed says, "Hey, c'mon, let's run down there, jump a few fences and let's do us a cow. Whaddya say?"
The old bull calmly says, "No, let's walk down the path over there, when we finally get down there we'll go in through the gate and do them all."

 

Biff!
Damn that hurt didn't it.

 

Someone call 911. I need bleach!

 

TRUTH! There are three things that don't lie...... a drunk, a child and yoga pants!