Humor Thread

I woke up this morning at 9:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month).

 

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel…
you know how to fish!"

 

probably the funniest channel on YouTube

 

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

 

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

 

This is great...

 

Love it.

 

Thanks D
I'm soooooo relaxed now


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I think I would call 911 because I think I would be dead.

 

How true.

 

I can just imagining you bweiss

 

What? Never forget that Randy Quaid attacked a flying saucer?