Humor Thread

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."







I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.







My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.







Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?







A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.







I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.



She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".







My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.



So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.







At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:



The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?



Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!







One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells.



It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct answer either.







A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but



I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest bomber-jackets.







You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.







A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.



I said "How can you tell them apart?"



He said "Her brother's got a mustache."







Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,



I asked the receptionist , "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."



To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sick bastard.

 

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old man.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown
.

"Ahhh," said the owner, You come back for story ?"

"No sir, said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

 

Hell, if you could just find a bronze politician, that would solve all the problems!

 

that true and add all the lawyers too.:banana:

 

And other likenesses.

 

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. My wife will kill me!”
Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell the mrs that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”...
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh snot wha ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me… he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

 

Jim, now that made me laugh out loud....thanks

 

I know! I read that and I laughed and I read it again and I laughed again. I read it to my wife and she actually laughed (which is saying a lot!) I cannot take credit for it. I am reposting it from the VTR1000.org UK forum.

 

Liquor language, I remember to well

 

Ah. Drinking slang. A cross between liquoreese and gutterese.

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

A couple I found funny.

 

A young boy asks his mom, I'm black and you are white?"

Mom replies, "don't even go there. The way the party went, you are lucky you don't bark!"

 

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy and his owner beats him

 

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

 

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from England."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"*

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past several months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
July 25: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 29: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
August 1: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
August 5: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
August 8: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
October 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
October 13: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least, October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

 

It looks like SOW changed his rear sprocket.