Humor Thread

Computer problem...
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Jaden, the 9 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, “An ID Ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again.” Jaden grinned. “Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error Before?” “No” I replied. “Write it down” he said, “and I think you'll figure it Out.” So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T ....... I used to like the little shit.

 

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.........Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

Sounded more like a wetware fault. ☺

 

Egypt was a lot like the Internet. People writing on walls and worshipping cats.

 

Also, it would be easier to understand hieroglyphics than some posts on here.

 

Cough cough puss n boots

 

How about "PEBKAC" ? -Problem exist between keyboard and chair.-

I used to work Tech support.

"It's a known issue and we're working on it......."

 

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Charlie, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Charlie and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Charlie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Charlie at the bar. He tells Charlie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Charlie says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

 

Learn to swim, Wyane's way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT2KROiSXDg

 

I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer.

 

Especially asked by your wife....DOH

 

Magic. I think that is the perfect reply.

 

The British Academy of Medical Science has reported that a recent study of 500 young men between the ages of 21 and 35 was conducted to determine the affects of alcohol. It was determined that 5 or 6 glasses of fine single malt scotch each day reduces your risk of giving a shit.

 

3 at 59....and I still dont give a shit....TMI?

 

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic, from a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this. What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions. If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and look how far ass kissing will take you A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%. So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

In so many cases, even what I have seen, this is so true. Even in the policing world, he who causes the boss to get most aroused usually gets chosen for the cushier jobs. I went through just about my whole career without a promotion and remained on the front line. My doing i admit. But happy about that regardless. At least when I sneezed, it did not smell like a phart.

 

Fucked gets you half way there, 50% lol

 

Remember folks, this is just a humor thread.