Humor Thread

Not bad looking tail pipes in the back drop either. This has to be Target.

 

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

 

That's baaaad. In Manitoba there is a beer called Kewel Pelliser's Club. Bet the bartender gave him that.

 

Bet the seal does not like Labatt's either.

 

Probably a re-post. but still made me laugh.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says,
"What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
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At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point:
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
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There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre,
but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
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You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
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A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied,
"No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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Some of those were sick. I loved them!

 

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”

 

Jesus walks into a hotel with a hand full of nails. He puts them on the counter and says to the receptionist, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

OK, took me a couple of seconds, then I spit a bit of coffee...

 

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

 

That's a sad stat. But sadder is that we find humour in it!

 

I'm just glad I'm not the guy getting stabbed over age over again...

 

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

 

Momma says, "Life ain't always like a box of chocolates, sometimes it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow."

-Forest Gump

 

LMFAO....Very good

 

Lion ass?

 

It's what's for dinner!