Humor Thread

thats awesome!!!!

 

Biker Bob, on a recent outing in New Orleans, snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widower. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Biker Bob stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at his hands.

Biker Bob took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

He simply had to know.

He met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

 

One day a mother and father were discussing their 3 boys filthy cussing habits. The father says "you need to put your foot down, starting with breakfast." and went off to work.

The mother calls the kids to breakfast and asks the oldest boy "what do you want for breakfast?"
the oldest boy responds with "just gimmie some g*d da**ed corn flakes!"

the mother leaps accross the table, knocks the boy out of his chair, and kicks him in the back for good measure.

The mother turns and looks at the next oldest and says "what about you, what would you like for breakfast?" confused the boy responds the same with "s**t, how about some fu**ing corn flakes?"

Once again the mother beats the crap out of the boy.

She turns to the last boy and asks the same question. To her surprise the youngest boy answers "Well, i sure as s**t dont want no fu**ing corn flakes if im getting my a** beat for asking. just gimmie the d**n cheerios!!"

 

The priest said solemnly to the young father, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared?"
The young man replied, "I think so. My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming."
"I don't mean that. I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure, Father. I bought a keg of beer and a case of whiskey!"

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo..

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany and within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square," says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know?

He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in the Capital," says the old Farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew and to a question I never asked."

"You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter."

"This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

 

My wife came out of the bathroom and with a twinkle in her eye, said “I just shaved down there and you know what that means don't you”

With a knowing nod, I said “Yep sure do - the drain is clogged again!”

 

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

 

This isn't a joke, but a link to a funny video (funny IMO). It definitely requires sound, but be advised, LANGUAGE is not safe for work.

Of course, if you've never lived in an area where it snows, you won't get this.

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/masshole-plow-driver-pushing-back-snowbanks-571983

 

Thanks pliskin...LMFAO...made my day....now ya see it.now ya dont..that guys great

Sent from my SGH-T679 using Tapatalk 2

 

and that's when the fight started....

 

Nuff said bout that!

 

Employment Insurance Investigation

Investigator: How many people do you employ?
Fisherman: 3
Investigator: What do their jobs consist of an about how many hours per week do they work and how much do they earn?
Fisherman: Well, the first fella is my brother, he's the skipper of my boat and he makes $1000 for a 50 hour work week.
The second is my wife. She does all the book work and tax stuff. She makes about $800 for a 30 hour work week.
The third is a slow fella that works about 100 hours a week. I pay him $50 a week, give him a bottle of whisky so he can cope with his life, a place to sleep, and occasionally he gets to sleep with my wife.
Investigator: Mr. Smith! That's outrageous!! You should be ashamed of yourself. I need to speak with this poor man.
Fisherman: You're speakin' to him...

 

No thats funny...tanks mang

 

Lard Tunder'n Jezuz Bye. Dat Dere is a good one!

 

This should settle the Ford vs. Chevy debate. Language not safe for work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfHtcUZXljw

 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
Standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
Tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
States that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance
against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
And asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."

 

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever French kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

 

A devout Christian passed away; He arrived at the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven! The Christian passed through to witness everyone sitting on a cloud playing harps. Is this all there is to Heaven; He ask? What more do you seek; ask St. Peter? Well said the Christian I confess I expected a little more. St. Peter remarked; Well you do have the option to check out Hell if you choose. Since you have been a good Christian I will afford you a round trip ticket if that would please you. Great said the Christian; I always wondered what Hell would be like. In an instant he was whisked away to Hell. Satan greeted him at the door. Welcome to Hell; Please come in. The Christian walked through the cast iron doors only to discover everyone drinking, partying, music playing, wild dancing, Wow exclaimed the Christian. What are you drinking Satan asked? Gin replied the Christian. I'll send a bottle replied Satan. Meanwhile a sexy buxom blond arrived to park herself on the Christian's lap & a waiter arrived with the gin. The Christian began to pour himself a drink only to discover that the bottle neck was solid glass. Pardon me Satan but this bottle doesn't seem to have a hole in it; exclaimed the Christian. Neither does She; replied Satan; This is HELL.