Humor Thread

If I were drinking beer, it would have been all over the monitor on that one. Good one Grey.

 

Twin sisters were turning one hundred years old and the editor of a paper told a photographer to take pictures of these 100 year old twins biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a little bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

 

There were three young priests who are about to take their final vows.
The last test they had to pass was the CELIBACY test.
For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penises.
A belly dancer then entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest.

"Ting-a-Ling......"
The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard:

"Ting-a-Ling......."

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman.
Go for a shower," said the chief priest.

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest.

She did everything erotic she could think of . ... but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women.
Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph" .

"Ting-a-ling........" !!!

 

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.





What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

 

Damn, that has to be the funniest shit I have read in a year!

 

Its cute right? You could tell that one to your grand-ma. :thumbsup:

 

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.


This is a frightening statistic, Probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental Illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

Having some beers..washin the bike..took a break for a call..saw the last post 75% untreated..laughin my ass off..the WIFE ask whats so funny...She did not think it was humorous at all..had ta throw ya under the bus Grey.
Still LMFAO Thanks

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So Kyle had a horrible day at work. Even though he swore to his wife he wouldn't he stopped at his old watering hole on the way home. And, as it would be, he fell into his old routine of just getting drunk. Drink after drink he put them down, until it happened. He vomited all over himself.

"Oh, shit, I am sooooo dead" Kyle muttered to himself. "I shouldn't even be at a bar. I told my wife I'd quit drinking!"

"Oh, relax," said the bar tender. "Go get cleaned up, then before you go home stick a $20 in your shirt pocket."

"Why a $20?" asked Kyle.

"Simple. You tell your wife that you stopped in with some buddies, and one of them threw up on you. The $20 is to cover the price of dry cleaning" replied the bar tender.

"Brilliant idea" Kyle thought to himself, then continued drinking. Some time later, he continued on home, where he was met at the door by the war department.

"Just look at you!" she yelled. "All covered in vomit!"

"Relax, relax" mumbled Kyle. "I stopped at a bar with some buddies, had some cola, and the guy next to me vomited all over me. Look, in my pocket, there's a $20 for dry cleaning. See it there? It wasn't me!"

She looked in his pocket and sure enough, there was the $20 like Kyle had said. "But what's the other $20 for?" she asked.

"He shit my pants, too..."

 

The wife and I were relaxing in bed two days ago, she watching some home renovation show and I surfing VFR world. I started laughing at something I read so she asked what the big deal was. I showed her about four or five humor posts and she didn't find any of them funny in the least. Now I find that to be pretty funny and also sad because she is too uptight to laugh at herself and others like her.


OMG I feel a rant coming........um yep it's inevitable............here ya go.....
What the world needs is a huge island that is a thousand miles across and is one great big huge F%$%% mall, full of stuff. All the shoppers (insert note that all women aren't shoppers) could live there in complete heaven as they buy and return shit all day long.
The rest of us could live in the real world where we play outdoors during our off hours and manufacture stuff for the island during our working hours. All the while enjoying life and a well developed sense of humor as we laugh at ourselves and live longer.

Ok whew, that's over, now back to the regularly scheduled program already in progresssssssssss


I can't believe that I just wrote that. :tongue-new:

 

Here's another statistic that is shocking:

That means there are millions of battered women in the US and I'm still eating mine plain.

 

So what did the elephant say to the naked man?

Its cute but can it pick up peanuts?

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What did the painter say to the wall?

One more crack and I'll plaster you
I know.....cheezy...but still a yuk

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*Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.*



*Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"Margaret looked him over.
"Nope."Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.Again he asked
Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow."Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY
IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?""Nope. Not a clue", she replied."IT'S HANGING
DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"Without missing a beat
Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."*

 

This is a picture of an alien kidnapper who is kidnapping certain people.




Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking men, who are great lovers, and have large peckers!
You guys aren't in any danger, but I wanted to say goodbye.

 

Have fun motor boating!

 

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.





They saw Pliskin's alien.............................

 

What Confucius DID NOT say......

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

A New York Cab Ride

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers." she said.