Humor Thread

When I was in High School in NJ, we would go to the Palisades and watch the submarine races in/on? the Hudson River.

 

They are a sight to see.....

 

All you can say is WTF?!

http://newslinq.com/29-family-photos-will-surely-make-say-wtf/

 

Photos 11 & 20. I mean what the hell is with those two guys. Tons of static electricity would be generated from those sweaters now wouldn't there be. But I bet those guys have a secret. And a few others photographed there too.

 

What was the family in 13 thinking ?

 

Winter Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, February 20th 2014
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


This was hanging on the notice board of my office, I'm in the process of working out who put it there.
The Wife is #1 suspect

 

Something I've had in my collection for awhile ..


"your Aflac Agent just got nailed"

 

Oh yeah, that one was just F'n weird!

 

I'm sure there are previous ones like this, but what the hell. I'll post it anyway and claim I suffer from the dreaded randycillian that just makes people generally slower.

THEN versus NOW


Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

Then - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

Now - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

Then - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

Now - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

Then - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

Then - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

Now- Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused (spanked) herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

Then - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .

Now - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

Then - Ants die.

Now - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 7:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

Then - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

Now - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

LMFAO GREY..VERY GUY LIKE...MOTOGP WAS ON

Sent from my SGH-T679 using Tapatalk 2

 

THE EU CONTROVERSY

The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the 1st year,

... "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear
up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

In the 2nd year,

... there will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf
20% shorter.

In the 3rd year,

... publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer,

... people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer,

... ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav
a reilsensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze
drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer,

... ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, ples pas on to oza pepl.

 

New Phobia


Oscarpisphobia - The fear of going to the toilet at your boyfriends house.

 

A solution for all you domesticated types

 

probably a repreat ... but I like it anyway::





In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

A preist driving home notices a dead pig in the middle of the road. Not knowing what to do he pulls over and calls the sheriff. The sheriff pulls up a few minutes later and sees the pig and the preist. The sheriff walks up to the preist and being a smart ass he asks, "so priest, did you read the pig its last rights?" The priest responds, "I didnt think that would be proper. So as soon as I pulled over I called its next of kin."


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The only thing that would have made this better was if they were using the Mars water bomber. But a direct hit from that bomber would severely damage those trucks and likely injure or kill a couple people.

 

Hey Pliskin!!!! Found your car.....




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