Humor Thread

Yo D, I haven't laughed that hard in god knows how long (what). My wife thought I was drinking..I said no Hun ,just peeing myself. Thanks buddy

 

Life is tough these days.

 

Haha! No Shit!

 

To whom it may concern:

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear 2014,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

 

So being V-day many semi-creative people go to work on making cards for those special someones...
...how many of you actually watch anime?

 

In the spirit of good sportsmanship at this years Winter Olympics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn-MkdhhHfQ

 

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from West Nile virus. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT WNV. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", not a single one could say "Truck."

 

oh man, that was a groaner!

 

Probably not the right thread, Cutsie anime not really but I 've been a Japanese anime manga fan since Astroboy in the '60s, Starblazers in the '70/80s, Akira,Urotsukidoji overfiend, Ghost in the Shell etc in the '90s and family has nearly everything Ghiblis Hayao Miyazaki eg Spirited Away, Totaro etc since 2000.

 

Friendly sport wager.

 

There was this loving grandfather (a retired RCMP officer) who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time --pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

Not really, Grandpa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist, shit rat, blind bastard, dip-shit, camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

 

I was trying to log into my iPad earlier today. Turns out it was and Etch-a-Sketch and I don't even own an iPad.

Also, I am fresh out of scotch.

 

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

 

Here's a joke! Putin is nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize!

Oh wait, that's actually real...
http://time.com/13194/putin-reportedly-nominated-for-nobel-peace-prize/

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

 

^ just shot beer out of my nose

Sent from my XT1049 using Tapatalk

 

I also shot something out my nose and made some odd noises that have the rest of guys here wondering what I'm up to. I'm like, "It's Friday morning and it's -19C outside so fuck off, cause I ain't working till I'm good and ready". Is it coffee time yet?

 

Crusty hard projectiles?

Breaking glass windows?

 

For our friends in the east and on the prairies;