Humor Thread

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But that was just one day and very long ago. Then she ate and apple.

 

Real sign in East Tennessee :crazy:

 

Redneck Innovations!

 

Didn't appreciate the humour behind this joke until Brian Cox explained the Higgs equation last night. :redface:

 

Little Black Dress.

A blonde drops her black dress at the cleaners. One her way out the door, the lady at the counter says, "Come again!"

The blonde says , "No. It's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"

 

Boat Owners Only

Twin Newfie brothers were named Joe and John Banner. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later , a kindly old lady net Joe on the street and mistaking him for John said< "Oh I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Then Joe spoke up saying. "Well, I'm not the least bit worried. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like a dead fish and even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I had ever seen, She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time and asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would like a crack at her anyhow. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle.'

At this point, the old lady fainted.

 

...........

 

If you are dreaming that you are eating a giant marshmallow and wake up choking with you wife standing over you holding a pillow and smiling, there is a good chance that you have done something to really piss her off.

 

I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up and my pillow was gone!

 

I decided I am out of shape and needed to do something about it. So today, I took up jogging. But I kept spilling my scotch so I said Fuggit.

 

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle. From the Joplin Daily News comes this story of a couple who drove
their car to the mall, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with her shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the
chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the gathering crowd and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AAA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead .

 

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

 

My wife would have said, "He is probably on VFRW

 

Lewinsky's blond wig didn't fool anyone, can you believe it Monica's 50, they grow up so fast it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White house on her hands and knees :wink:

 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennessians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants -
It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

 

"Youth On A Run"

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and
saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There
was a young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back
seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window
down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young
man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat,
the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and
replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked
the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."



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I think I'd actually wear a shirt like this...

 

Wildlife officials worry about Taco Bell opening a new franchise in Churchill Manitoba.

 

Just "Fred"

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a biker for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.