Humor Thread

My gummy bear died. My unicorn ran away. My friend got kidnapped. The voices in my head won't talk to me anymore. OHHH NOOOO.

I'M GOING SANE!

 

God really does have a sense of humour. He promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made Earth round.

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.


She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"


"Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.


She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties…and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied...


"Go look in the garage,"

 

That was priceless........

 

lol! Fantastic!

 

SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

 

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

I was driving around today and saw this young chick texting and driving. Aggravated the hell outta me. When we both stopped at the same red light, I put my window down and threw my beer at her.

 

My "Give a shit" moment has now expired. I am the way I am. Your approval is really not expected or cared for.

 

It has been said that if you can laugh at your own mistakes, you will live longer. But laugh at your wife's mistakes.....

 

A guy walks out of the crapper and a sweet young thing (female she was), says "Sir, your garage door is open."

The guy asks, "did you see my Harley?"

No but I saw a Vespa with two flat tires.

 

I went for a job interview recently and was asked, "do any members of your family suffer from insanity?"

I replied, "No actually. We all seem to enjoy it."

 

...............................................................

 

Randy....are you sure you DO have a station...or tracks for that matter?

 

Meaning just what?

 

Oh...nothing...nothing....otstir:

 

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... and dammit there are just some things you can't explain!

 

What deep thinkers men are.......

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

 

OHHHHH MYYYYYY Oath. I just about did the same thing as this guy when I watched him. As it is, I need a new monitor.

Passion killer ... - YouTube