Humor Thread

What! She !gave birth to a doll too.

 

Only at Walmart. Nice tat by the way.

 

Good answers so far, my obvious suggestion is " hope mumma didn't eat baked beans again last night ":smile:

 

little Johnny comes home from school with a worried look on his face, his dad says what's up? he replies I've got an English assignment to do about the difference between reality and potential, & I've got no idea where to start.
Dad says Go ask your brother if he'd sleep with milkman for a million dollars.
Shocked at the suggestion Johnny goes off anyway and asks his brother, he comes back and tells his dad, He said he would dad.
Dad says go and ask you sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars.
Johnny comes back and tells his dad, she said she would dad.
Finally his dad says, go and ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars.
Johnny heads off, talks to his mum, and comes back and tells his dad, she said she would dad.

Right son here's your answer

Potentially, we have 3 millionaires in this family, in reality, we have 2 sluts and a poof.



tumbleweed

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE"

 

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.She can't possibly be mine!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible", the man insisted. This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."

 

how some marriages work


A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsy roll, but at the bar they have those bowls of finger food that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want tasty finger food, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different bowls of tasty finger food: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know..it's blokes talking, there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

So he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after.

 

An elderly lady was looking for company in the form of a pet and some one suggested she get a parrot.

She managed to get one from a local pet store, however she had no ides that it used to belong to a sailor and had some pretty bad language issues.
After awhile it started to really annoy her and she decided to use some discipline.

Each time the parrot swore she put it in the fridge for 5 minutes
So the parrot and the lady are sitting at tea time watching the news and there’s been a terrible earthquake some where and the parrot says Oh shit, Oh shit.
And the lady says I warned you it’s into the fridge with you for 5 minutes, she brings him out after a while and he behaves himself for a short time but then another news item comes on and the parrot says Bullshit, bullshit.

The lady is shocked and says right that’s it, into the fridge for 10 minutes, after awhile she takes him out, all is well for another couple of minutes and a worthy news item comes on and the parrot says Oh shit ,

The lady really cracks it this time and says I’ve had it you. Its 5 minutes in the freezer this time. She slams the lid down. The parrot starts walking around trying to keep warm and stumbles over something and he takes his wing and wipes it over the frosted label and sees that it’s a frozen chicken and says Holy Crap you must have told the crazy bitch to get fucked.

 

This one comes with a warning: If your religious or easily offended, back away now.

God has spoken to ST Peter at the Pearly Gates and told him to lighten up on the criteria to get into heaven, we need more members, our numbers are down!!!

A couple of days late Hitler wonders past the gates and thinks WTF I’ll give it a go, they can only say no like the last 65 years.

He approaches ST Peter and says “I am Hitler and I’d like to be accepted into Heaven”.

ST Peter almost swears and then says “No Way you will never get into Heaven”

That evening after the gates were closed, God, St Peter, Jesus and all the angels were having a chat and ST Peter mentioned that Hitler had called past and he had told him no way, this started a great debate, and finally it was decided that if ST Peter could strike a good deal then it may be possible for Hitler to enter.

The next day Hitler was seen hanging around the entrance and ST Peter called him over and said “Lets do a deal, How many souls can you bring with you, if we were to consider the possibility.” Hitler responded immediately with 2,340 souls.

ST Peter new he could do better and laughed, Hitler went away and came back with a new total of 6,133 souls. ST Peter said your getting close but your going to have to throw something else in to sweeten the deal, its not just me, there’s God and Jesus you have to persuade as well.

Hitler went away, when he came back he said I have managed to get a total of 6,566 souls that’s the best I can do.
However I can present Jesus with a medal, the prestigious “Iron Cross”


ST Peter thought about it for a moment, and said FUCK OFF DICKHEAD he had enough trouble carrying the wooden one.

 

Shit - I'd marry that woman!

 

And you think your ride is crappy!

 

A waitress was tired of being hit on by this one customer, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell you what, Loverboy. I'll have sex with you on one condition: if I don't hear bells ring and see lights flash, you owe me a thousand bucks." He grinned and agreed ...and then led her over to the pinball machine!



70% of the gay population was born that way; the other 30% were just sucked in!

 

Subject: Mathematics Over the Ages

It's only funny because it's so close to the truth!


1.

Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?


2.

Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?


3.

Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?


4.

Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20

5.

Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger
cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.


6.

Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling
license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and
Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He
has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not
have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be
a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details
circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to
court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is
released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his
wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is
arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6
months and fined a further $100.


While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and
sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated
government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested
and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by
hard work; he should give up, sign on to the dole, become an activist and live off the
government for the rest of his life?



7.

Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to
buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a
derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and
lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million
dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the
biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his
old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the
emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Vietnamese loggers
buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They
undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while
claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned
they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's
expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with
different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is
accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old
lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are
not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the
difference on expenses and allowances..

You do the maths.



8.

Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج
من ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

 

My neighbours - the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door,
asked me what I would like for my birthday...
I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna
watch."

 

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt overly guilty the following day. This really distubed him. He was thinking that he is a professional and he is better than this. No matter how much he tried to forget this transgression he just couldnt. Over the days the guilt and sense of betrayal of his ethics was overwhelming. Every once in a while he would hear an internal, reassureing voice in his head that said, "Dave, dont worry about it. You are not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you wont be the last. Just let it go Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering, "Dave....Dave... Dave , you sick bastard. Youre a vet."

 

that may be the best one yah, bastage! :smile:

 

Uhm.....I seem to be missing the punch line here......

 

An Aboriginal patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir!!"
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown holds his dark
penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving
them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "Yes Sir, they are still black. Everything is in order!!"

The man manages to get his arm out from under the covers and pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was kind of you, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

 

Sorry Randy....I even typed this joke slowly because I know you cant read fast lol.....

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The weekend had started and it was Saturday morning, so against my better judgement, i decided to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ' Actually honey, no I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am, and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....or for quite some time, but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.