Humor Thread

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"

 

:rofl: Thanks for the laugh folks
:thumb:

 

I forget exactly how it goes, but here is the jist of it:

An Irish rugby player was visting New York, when he notices a building on fire down the street. He rushes over and sees a few people trapped on the 4th story. He yells, "If you jump, I will catch you!". After much hesitation, the first woman climbs on to the ledge and leaps off. Sure enough, he catches her and she safely runs off. After a couple more people make it down safely, a black man goes for it. He leaps out and the Irishman steps out of the way, splat. He then yells back up, "Dont throw the burnt ones down!"

 

A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.

A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.

 

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.

"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

 

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

 

What wonderful timing you have Randy!
I arrived at work this morning and opened my e-mail to see this notification in my inbox waiting to be opened like a present on Christmas morning. So as I clicked on the link, I noticed my morning contractions were getting dangerously close together, heralding the iminent arrival of something much more sinister. Thankfully the BOV status is nominal and I was able to bleed off the pressure long enough to enjoy your post!

Oh, gotta run!!!

 

I just started an new exercise regimen and then received this. Maybe I'll start next month.

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life this enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day Is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them! It will save you the walk!

 

Ok, here's a meager pair I been laughing about:


Went for a physical, because of constant headaches. Doc suspected water on the brain. MRI revealed neither.

(Insert your best buddies name here) walks into the bar with a huge pile of fecal matter cradled in both hands and says "Hey! Look what I almost stepped in!"

 

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden."You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblin replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up."Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

 

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.
Just before morning tea Pat yelled,"Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi--Damn! There goes another one!"

 

How do two Irish men change a light bulb?
One holds the bulb and the other starts drinking until the room spins.

Three Irishmen are adrift at sea. They are terribly thirsty. Suddenly a mermaid comes up and says "Ill shall grant you one wish." Without thinking one of the Irishman says " I want you to turn the sea to Guiness." The mermaid said. "Let it be done" And so the sea was turned to Guiness. Then one of the other Irishman said "Fuck, where we gonna piss?"

 

A guy gets his first shore leave in over a year and wants to really live it up. Horny as can be, he makes his first stop the brothel that is miles from town. He takes the bus out and notices that there are no cars in the lot. He goes up to the door and walks in, but there are no women walking around, no music playing... nothing. There is just an old woman playing solitaire.

"Excuse me ma'am, where are all the working girls?" he asks.

"Sorry son, they all went to a call girl convention in town."

"Are you serious?! Dammit! I only have tonight off and there won't be another bus here for hours! My night is shot!"

"Well, if you are that upset about it, I guess I can take care of you tonight." she said matter of factly.

"Ugh... I mean, well, this is all kept confidential, right?" he says with hesitation.

"Oh yeah. But I have to tell you sonny; you can't do me regular. I gots the female troubles and can be doing that no more. And my gums is sore too, so that ain't happening."

"Huh? Well, what does that leave me with?" he asks.

"I can pop this glass eye out and you can do that."

"WHAT?! That's disgusting! No way am I going to do that!" he all but screams.

"Now now, calm down. No one will ever know. And I tell you what, if it isn't great then it is on the house." she says.

"Well, if no one will ever know and you gurantee it... fine." he says with much trepidation. So they go back to one of the rooms and he proceeds to screw this old womans eye socket. And it was great! The guy is literally panting and is completely satisfied. Hours pass and he is dressed and about to go to the bus stop.

"You know what, that really was great. Maybe next time I'm in town I'll come back!" he says happily.

"Well then, I'll be sure an keep an eye out for you!"

 

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout prostitute catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the prostitute, "So? How much?"

The prostitute replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."

The guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"

The prostitute says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the prostitute, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."

The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the prostitute's offer.

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"

The prostitute replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"

The prostitute replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the prostitute, "How much for some pussy?"

The prostitute says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Oh... my... God..." the guy whispers in utter awe. "You own the whole city?"

"No," the prostitute replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."

 

Woman: ‘Before we were married, you told me you were well off.’

Man: ‘Yes. Unfortunately I didn’t realize just how well off.’

 

A man and his wife are arguing. ‘When we got married you said you’d die for me!’ shouts the man. ‘Well, now’s the time!’

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

Marriages are made in Heaven – but then again, so are thunder and lightning.

My therapist told me that my wife and I should not go to bed together angry at each other. I am running out of women I know to sleep with.

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.

Priest to man: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another woman like your late wife.’ Man to Priest: ‘Who’s going to look?’

 

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

 

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"