Humor Thread

Understood. Same with cops! Have a couple friends who are lawyers, and a judge. My daughter is a paralegal. Wished I could have gotten away with the deception they practice though, and not have it come back to bite me in the ass.

 

I never get into an arguement with my wife over putting the toilet seat down cause I use the sink.

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.........

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Whiskey, a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u blody luvum!!

 

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. If I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

 

Why Motorcycles are better than women:

Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
You don't have to pay alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
Motorcycles always feel like getting ridden.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

 

A biker stops by the local shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

 

A young woman who has never been to a gynecologist is finally convinced that she needs to start going. She is terribly nervous and frightened about the whole ordeal. She is led back to the examination room and told to completely undress. Never having been to a gynecologist, she is shocked hear this and her fear grows even more and she starts to have tears well up in her eyes.

When the doctor comes in he greets her cordially and professionally but she can only manage to stammer and sputter. "A little nervous are we miss?" he asks. "Don't worry, this won't hurt. It may be a little uncomfortable, but you'll do just fine. Go ahead and get on the table and get your legs in the stirrups."

She does as he asks, but the fear is just getting the better of her and tears start falling. As he rolls up on his stool and grabs his first instrument, the girl just starts bawling. "I can't do it, it's going to hurt I just know it!"

The doctor manages to calm her down and then asks her, "Would it make you feel better if I numb it?"

"Oh could you?! That would make me feel so much better!" she excitedly replies.

The doctor puts down his instrument then quickly buries his face in her crotch, " Nummy nummy nummy nummy!"

 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

 

By god AZTraveler, you need to preface that with a warning. I damned near spit my coffee out!

 

I decided to start at the beginning of this thread and read the whole thing. Saw this post and had to tell my story. I don't know if this will top your story, but it has to at least be on the same level. I swear that every word is true.

It was 2006, before smart phones were around and flip phones were still expensive. My wife had washed my phone and killed it. I found one on Craigslist that was in my price range and decided to call the guy.

[ring, ring] "Yo man, wassup?" is the first thing I hear. Ugh, great it's a hip-hop/thug wannabe. Now I am not rascist, but I will admit that I have a predjudice against anyone that talks like this. I hate rap and R&B and the whole culture that goes along with it.

Me: "Um, hi... I am caling about the phone listed on CL. Is it still for sale?"

Him: "yeah man, I's still gots it. You wans it?"

Me:"Well I am interested, is there anything wrong with the phone?"

Him: "Nah man, I jess got no nee fo it"

You get the idea of the kind of grammar I am dealing with, right? It pains me as a grammar thug to even type it! From here on out, I will speak in a translated English, you just try to image Tupac saying the lines. Anyway, The usual CL conversation happens and I get him to the price I want and he says he wants me to meet him at a gas station down by the big college here in Dayton, OH. This immediately sets off alarms in my head. That area is called "The Ghetto" for a reason. I say that I would be far more comfortable meeting at a gas station right off the highway that is better lit and far more public than the one that he wanted. And it is only 2 miles from the one that he said to meet at. I call him right as I leave the ATM to let him know that I am on my way.

Me: "OK, I am about 15 minutes from our meeting spot. Ill see you there."

Him: "Right, I am heading out now then."

I arrive at 6:30, and while this is a far more public place than where he wanted, it is still not a place I would normally stop at. Now remember, this guy is only traveling an extra 2 miles from where wanted to meet. It is now almost 7:00. I call him and he answers the phone a little winded.

Me: "Are you still coming?"

Him: "Yeah man, I am almost there now. Just gimme a few." [click]

My mind is starting to wander. What in the heck is he doing? He's getting a posse together. He has set me up for a mugging, I just know it! 7:15 rolls around, so I call again.

Me: "Dude, are you playing a prank? Whats taking so long?"

Him: " Nah man, I need the money, I ain't playing. I be there in just a few."

I decide that I am going to use this against him and pay him even less than the agreed price for making me wait. At this time, I was a weight lifting fanatic and was huge. I decide that I am going to really puff up my chest and flex on him when he arrives. I am seriously getting pissed at the sheer rudeness. 7:30 arrives and I am fuming, pacing back and forth getting madder at every step and I am ready to tear into this guy.

Voice from nearby: "Yo man, you Paul?"

I turn around and there is no one there. I look across my car and then to my left and right. Nothing.

Voice: "Yo man, down here."

There was the dude that I was going to flex on and intimidate and just generally make him pay... with no legs. Resting on a skateboard with gloved hands that had this weird rocker shaped tool with no-slip black grit that he used to propel himself forward. Presumeably an agonizingly 2 miles over really crappy sidewalks and crosswalks. He was out of breath and sweating even though it is November.

I had made a handicapped man with no legs skateboard at least 2 miles though the ghetto to sell me a cell phone. I felt like a complete tool. Of course my anger and frustration fled.

Me: "Um, uh... how's it going? Um... "

Him: "Here's the phone. Still in the box, too."

I open the box and the phone has never been used and is perfect. In 2006, small phones were all the rage. As many features as possible in a tiny flip phone made you "The Man".

Me: "I can't believe my luck, why are you getting rid of this?"

Him: "I can't use it." And then he showed me his hands. His fingers were easily twice the width of mine from years of scooting on a skateboard.

Thats it, I don't care if this thng works or not, I am not digging myself any further by opening my mouth. I just mutely give him my money while feeling like a complete ass.

 

Man. reading 57 pages of thread. Must have taken you all night. Some guys have posted some funny chit here though. Laughter is the best medicine known to man. A joke, with the right presentation, can even make a funeral a pleasant place to be.

I still laugh my ass off at a thought that was going through my mind when my family and I were spreading my father's ashes a week or so after the service. But another time and place for that one.

 

Some of the jokes on this thread are outstanding. When I copy and paste them ,they make me a hero on some other forums that I'm part of where those dull mofo's have no sense of humor.

 

OK so I am NOT the only one who does this then! After reading how the Winnipeg Jets are doing, or how many cup cakes someone bakes, or"Like" if your remember this, on face book, I like to post up a few there too. I'm sure some there just are not too sure they know me as well as they thought they did.

 

It took a long while, but I needed to cheer up so it was worth it. I lost an auction for a 2 Bros high mount exhaust and was sulking like a chastised puppy.

I can relate to that! 2 years ago a man who is like my uncle lost his mother to a lingering malady. Everyone was more relieved that she was no longer in pain than sad she had died. This was in February or Mach, so it was bitter cold. We all went with him to the crematorium for support. On the way back, the car was cold and his wife said that she was freezing. He told, "Want to hold mother? She should still be warm." I lost it, it was literally the funniest thing I had ever heard. Luckily so did he.

 

OK. YOu opened the door so here it goes.

Mom and dad had a cabin on the shore of Pinawa Bay on the Lee River near Lac Du Bonet Manitoba. Their shore was the only beach on that whole bay that had a natural sand beach. The old man was always out there tinkering on that beach.

Well he died in June of 94 while tinkering down on that beach. No better a place to go for him, I think.

About a week after the service we decided that seeing as he spent so much time down on that beach tinkering, we would get in the boat and go out about 50 meters off shore (50 yds give or take for our southern friends) and spread his ashes in the bay. Dad had an old 17 foot tri-hull boat. There was 7 of us. Mom and 6 kids. And of course, dad's ashes.

This day was not a nice day. It was raining and blowing. There was about a 1.5 to 2 foot chop on the bay but the boat handled it pretty well. Now you need to have a little insight here. The family are rather larage people. At the time, I weighed in at about 190 and by far, I was the lightest, saving my younger brother who was not in the best health.

So there we were, bobbing and bouncing out in the stormy wet lake, seven of us in this tri-hull. Mom leaned over the stern of the boat to pour the ashes into the water, Mom was pretty big then. The boat tipped a little but not bad. We held our own. But the rest of the family wanting to watch dad's ashes go into the water so they all leaned over as well. Now we have something like a combined weight of about 800 pounds leaning over the stern of the boat which was now almost taking on water. No one noticed this and if the boat had a bilge pump, I doubt that it worked. There I was, at the far opposite end side of the bow, trying to counter this weight. I was leaning over board so far, my head was almost getting wet. We are bobbing up and fucking down. The heavens are just fucking opening up on this damned stuipid family out on the lake in this old boat. And I can just imagine, the old man, up ther looking down and saying something like, "Oh your dumb bastards! Get out of the fucking rain!

We managed to get ashore. My wife (Chinese) made mention that the rain was the heavens weeping in sorrow of my dad's passing. I say the old bugger was laughing so hard he was in tears, while he was sipping on his his favourite, tall Navy rum and Coke, slamming his fists on the table at the eternal Royal Canadian Legion.

 

Wow! OK, you win that round!

 

Life is far too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, give me a call. I will laugh at you!

 

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

 

The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette, "Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month".
"But, I'm not pregnant!"
"You're not rescued yet!"