Humor Thread

This one isn't quite up to the standards but what the hell, its hump day so here ya go


Rum & Coke
A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."

 

NSFW - chanarchive.org | >Go on a date with girl | archived from 4chan /b/ - Random

 

Rainbow - might want to throw in a Not safe for work with that one. I don't care, but others might.

 

That is sooooo up to standards!!!!!! At least for a sick bastage like me.

 

If you lived in Canada and new our Newfies you would like this even more. Poor Newfoundlanders take a beating in jokes but truth of the matter is, they tend to be the hardest working and most accommodating people you could ever meet. A couple thousand American travelers found that out post 9-11 when they got stranded in Gander Newfoundland for a few days while US borders were shut tight.

Now back to irregular bowels....I mean postings.......

 

Good point, although I would ask who would be reading this thread at work and expecting it to be safe?

 

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite wall.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS TO SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." said the photographer.

Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

 

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.


This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.


I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change... I gave it to them.


I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

 

Newfoundlanders Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland
to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on
the screen,it s ays:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.* '


I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others.

 

NSFW = Not Safe For Work

At least I will have something to watch when I get home.

 

Purely subjective. I guess if you like 12" d!cks splashed across your screen, then you'll have something to look forward to. lol

 

The only sad real problem is that this is a win/win for the Obama voters. Win with a job or win with us workers supporting their butts.

 

lmao :rofl: ound:

 

Not for everyone but it made me giggle



Funny Talking Animals - Best Of! - YouTube

 

The CIA, FBI, and the LAPD are in a competition at apprehending criminals. They all agree to have a contest to see who is the best. To make it interesting they are each assigned to a seperate forest. A rabbit is released in each of their forests and they are tasked to capture the rabbit.

The CIA goes into their forest. They place animal informants through-out the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits dont exist.

The FBI goes into their forest. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it includeing the rabbit. The FBI does not appoligize for this. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes into their forest. Two hours later the come out dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming in pain "Okay!!! Okay!!!! Im a rabbit!!!! Im a rabbit!!!!"

 

How to Get an A+ in Chemistry Class:

BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One University of Arizona student wrote the following for an A+:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!".

 

An oldie but a goodie, allways one of my favorites

 

I don't know what is sadder. That since I live boyles law on a constant working basis doing what I do and I completely understand the joke.... or
That I have dated and screwed a girl named Teresa and brought her religion in that way.

 

There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will...

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it... The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue

They took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 

You know you are truly Canajun when: