Humor Thread

A little boy in Newfoundland, wanted $100.00 for something very special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.


The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.



The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

 

Subject: Employee Notice


EMPLOYEE NOTICE:
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Pearson International in Toronto. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she has a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby greatly impressing her. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows". The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. "Winning the hearts of the world" Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. "Going beyond expectations". The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the fuck do you want?" "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face "Air Canada!"

 

The wife left a note on the fridge door "It's not working and I can't take it anymore!! I've gone to stay at my mum's!" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold... fuck knows what she was on about!

 

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."

 

Ole Fills In
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" Asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies Down on the table and shouts:”‘Help me - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"
.
You thought I was sending a dirty joke!! NOT ME! Remember - Keep Smiling It makes people wonder What you're up to!

 

My job search
"This is quite clever. I wonder who thinks of all this stuff. "
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.


2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,

but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT


AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

With the holidays right around the corner I decided to earn some extra income and work at Walmart... They made me the door greeter...within 20 min I was fired....It all started when this woman came in curseing and swearing at her two blond haired boys. The two heathens were also a very class act, running into everybody as they were walking out and banging the carts with theirs... I said "welcome to Walmart" and I got a good ol' fashion "fuck off retard," from her. I told her what lovely children she had and I was wondering if they were twins. She stated, " no they are not fucking twins, one is 6 and the other is 8, they arent even the same height, and other than the blonde hair they dont look the same. What are you blind and fuckin stupid?" I said, " no mam' I'm not either...I just cant beleive the same man would fuck you twice."

Needless to say Christmas is going to be a little small this year....

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

 

Heres one that I wish I could have made up but its true. Since its Christmas time I'd figure I'd share a funny story... You got to love the Brits....sometimes...

We had this diver from Britan. He had been diving with us for a couple of years. As of recent he went home to work there. So at a company Christmas function where the booze and alcohol flowed he decided to get hammered off the free booze. The venue that the event was held at was nice but it was in a shady location. So later on in the night someone noticed that he had left the party and went to go look for him. They found him in the passenger seat of his car...crying his eyes out. We, at first, decided to let him be, thinking that he was homesick during the holiday season. After about an hour he was still in his car.... Finally one of the boys decided to check on him. The guy that checked on him came back to the function also with tears....of hysteria. The guy said that the Brit stated that, " I hate fuckin America...Im so fucking far away from home and missing it.... the company had to have this shitty Christmas party here in a shitty part of town....some fucker broke into my car and stole my fucking steering wheel" (remember he is sitting on the passenger side)

Merry Christmas no matter where you are in the world :biggrin:

 

Another story reportedly to be true I heard from from my long gone now father. You may appreciate that Winnipeg gets its fair amount of snow. It is not uncommon to get out of your car at a red light and give the windows a very quick sweep if the snow is wet.

Well this guy was driving down Portage Avenue one winter evening after having been at the legion or someplace and had a few. Came to a red light and a police car pulled up behind. He being ever so cool, calmly got out, gave the police a quick nod and swept some snow of his car and quickly returned before his light turned green. When the light turned green, the police approached his door, opened it and hauled him in for impaired driving. He had gotten into his back seat.

 

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

 

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.



They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like a real idiot getting on the bus this morning!!!

 

Put this to the music of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover:

I'm looking over my dead dog rover,
that I hit with my lawn mower.
One leg is missing,
the other is gone.
The third one is splattered,
all over the lawn.
No use explaining,
the one remaining.
Its stuck on my ggarage door.
I'm Looking over my dead dog Rover,
that I hit with my lawn mower.

 

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing brain surgery !!!

 

NOTE TO SELF:

Presently looking at possibly leasing a new car for business purposes. GET A COUPE!

 

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

 

Ok this just in, I hope the link works


TWO DOGS DINING - YouTube

 

Damn, those are some good dogs. Never gonna get them to quit begging at the table now but still pretty cool!!

 

I don't remember so this might be a re-post.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit..

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'