Humor Thread

New Newfie Pickup Line
A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

Almost brings a tear to your eye.Doesn't it!

 

Two couples were playing poker one evening.


Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
He bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue
wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying
to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you
like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed
he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you
$500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons
and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday
afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house
at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to
the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from
work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by
the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly
asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,
in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me
back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

 

COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

 

Potatoes



Well,

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little Sweet Potato,
which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting Half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,'
and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack
and make a rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe,
Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out
for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland
and the greasy guys from France called the French fries.
And when she went out West,
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow
and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds,
or the ones from the other side of the tracks
who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay'.

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to PEI P.U.
(that's Potato University)
so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,
one-day Yam came home and announced she was
going to marry PeterMansbridge.

Peter Mansbridge!
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Peter Mansbridge ( a popular news anchorman) because he's just.......
Are you
Ready for this?
A
COMMONTATER

groannnnn

 

If I ever meet you Jethro, I'm going to kick you in the shins for having posted that! Damn you.

 

I can live with that. It was worth the cost...but just one good kick, any more and I get to kick back. LOL otstir:

Now let me see if I have any more veggie based humor laying in wait for the unprepared. Hmmmmmm there must be something on this ole hard drive ehehehehh
Nope nothin....

But there is this nice little piece of Canadiana I can share,

http://youtu.be/3k7WSx7dKCo


And some Americana too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wupqktw252M

 

Oh I have more to offer!

> The New, New Math
> >
> > I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
> counter girl took my $2
> > and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents
> from my
> > pocket and gave
> > it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
> pennies, while looking
> > at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort
> and tried to tell her
> > to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager
> for help. While he
> > tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
> cried... Why do
> > I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math
> since the 1960s:
> >
> >
> > 1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school)
> >
> > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
> of production is 4/5
> > of the price. What is his profit ?
> >
> >
> > 2. Teaching Math In 1970s
> >
> > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
> of production is 4/5
> > of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
> >
> >
> > 3. Teaching Math In 1980s
> > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
> > production is $80.
> > Did he make a profit ? Yes or No
> >
> >
> > 4. Teaching Math In 1990s
> >
> > A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
> of production is $80
> > and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
> number 20.
> >
> >
> > 5. Teaching Math In 2000s
> >
> > A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
> selfish and
> > inconsiderate
> > and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
> preservation of our
> > woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
> What do you think of
> > this way of making a living? Topic for class
> participation after answering
> > the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as
> the logger cut down
> > their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you
> feel like crying, it's
> > ok).
> >
> >
> > 6. Teaching Math In 2010
> >
> > Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
> costo de la
> > producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
> >
> > ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging
> business is just a front
> > for his pot farm.

 

And even more!

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

 

Last one for today folks, you are welcome!



RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this b_ehaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

 

Ok I lied! I just couldn't resist posting one more....


Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils



Extracts from
letters written by council tenants:


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done
to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that
my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole
in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind
the other day that blew them off.


6. My lavatory seat is cracked,
where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf
of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send
someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it
yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to
remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp,
50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain
filthy.


11. The next door neighbour has
got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take
it anymore.

12.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not
fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in
half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain
about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes
me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a
large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and
dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so
please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman
living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the
noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with
the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no
satisfaction.

21.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
growing in it.

 

God bless or Newfies. Cana da just would not be the same without them.

 

You know you have found a veteran golfer when he readily pays $5.00 for a beer from the cart out on a fairway and gives the cart girl a $3.00 tip, yet he bitches about paying $3.50 in the club house and stiffs the bartender.

 

Harley riders were thrilled once they learned that they could also use Right Guard under their left arms.

 

I guess I'm just a softie----these romantic stories always get to me.

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said,

"Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[video=youtube;x04AeJoebTY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x04AeJoebTY[/video]

 

In hindsight, my Facebook post should prbably have said "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" rather than "I've just fucked a fourteen year old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn't all bad - the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

 

I went to go see one of those comedian hypnotist the other night... He hypnotized 7 guys from the audience.....during his perfomance he dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!!!".... What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life....

 

The New, New Math


I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:


1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school)

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

 

Geez Randy, that one was posted only 11 posts ago. You need to find a job; keep the mind sharp, ya know?

 

I am just padding my stats.