Humor Thread

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take
all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs
on top and proceeds to have sex with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy
if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier
for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient
and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right
and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too. But you have Blue Cross
and, they have Obama Care."

 

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

 

A cop is staking out the Killarney Hotel for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

Chromeless Video Player

 

This may be a bit soon but

I saw it elsewhere. I LOL'd.


There's a new drink called the Sandy. It's a watered down Manhattan.

 

Someone hand this man a beer...

 

Seems legit...

 

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken nose.

It seems there was a little misunderstanding when she told me she needed decking on the back patio.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After being badgered by his missus an old biker goes to the doctor with suspected hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair."

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'


She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'


'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'


She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'


The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'


The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

 

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Texas back country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

How to keep a woman happy....

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Leave him alone

 

There, fixed that for ya!!

 

On a predominately male dominated forum, you are suggesting to it's readers that to make a man happy is to walk around nakid! I presume it should be someone other than the reader you want to walk around. But then, these days, especially in Washington State, you just don't know.

 

I am a man and I'm quite happy when I walk around naked. It's just that no one else is very happy about it.

 

Much appreciated, but wouldn't that be #55?

 

Craziness test

During a visit to a mental asylum, a man asked the director of the psychiatric ward, " how do you determine if a patient is crazy and should be institutionalized or not?"
The director replies, " Well we fill up a bath tub full of water, then we offer the patient a tablespoon, a coffee cup and a bucket. We then ask the patient to empty the bath tub."
"Oh I get it," the man says. "A normal person would use the bucket to empty out the bath tub since it holds more than the tablespoon and coffee cup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would just pull the drain plug....So would you like a bed near the window or hall way?"

 

Wished I had known that earlier.

 

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

 

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

 

Being nervous and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco