Humor Thread

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend,

"Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't goin there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but she thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog,"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

 

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lotto. I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls.

_______________

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"

 

Whats the difference between

"no no no not up the arse"

and

"mmm mmmm mmm" ?



























Duct tape :tongue:

 

:tape2:

Ohhhhh, Just so, so wrong. :twitch: :faint:

 

Since I cannot find the demotivational poster thread....

 

At the strip club, all the cool guys "make it rain on them hoes" you know, throw dollar billz on the stage.

I can't compete with that.

I "make it hail on them hoes"

Nickels go much further!

 

Aircraft Fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

 

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

 

Kissing's a pleasure, fucking's a game,
Guys get all the pleasure, girls get all the pain.

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true,
Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain,
3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bastard, the mother's a whore,
This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

 

The wife left this note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on !! and the beer was cold.........
God only knows what she was talking about!!

 

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.



Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming.

 

When you're from the country,
your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town" said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

An old farmer up North decides to convert one of his dams in a back paddock into a swimming hole.

He planted a few banana trees

a couple of mango trees

Put up a sun shade...and a couple of seats

A few months later he decided to visit the dam and pick a few bananas, so he grabbed a bucket to put the bananas in and went to the dam,
but when he got there he saw three naked girls swimming in his dam
when they seen him they all swam to the deepest part of the dam and said we're not coming out till you leave,
the old man held up his bucket and said,
l was'nt looking at you ......l'v just come here to feed the crocodile

 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you". The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says "Hey, son! Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

A Tennessee couple—Dave and Rebecca, both bonafide rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave”fixed.” The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after 9 children, would you choose to do this? Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
As yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
Containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked
Magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

 

The first picture from the Mars lander "Curiosity".

 

Husband buys his son an iPAD,
his daughter an iPOD,
himself an iPHONE
and his wife an iRON.

 

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,

Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"



No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”

 

A security leak has revealed that the Canadian Military has formed a new secret, crack and illete anti terrorist team. This tream is made up solely of woment over 50 in menopaude. People think men have attitudes. Ohhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on the border. They will keepdegenerate criminals out of this country and us all safe in our Canadian ways.