Humor Thread

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived. Peter looked out through the gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting to come in. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates.

 

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was just horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All night long she just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears...'

 

Subject: Philosophical Observation


Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..
….. It's the women who make it hard !!

 

dayum shes blonde

 

I think we missed something here...........

 

SEX IN THE SHOWER

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower.

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

 

So, is it too early to ask the remaining Gibb brother to sing Staying Alive?

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How come all paedophiles look pretty much the same? Big beard, glasses, greasy hair... what is it about that look that kids find so attractive?

 

You mean Jim Henson was one step away from being my childhood nightmare???


What about this guy?


What? Too soon to pick on dead guys???

 

Just a little entertainment. Creative.

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316AzLYfAzw&autoplay=1&rel=0

 

Subject: THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF...


A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,

"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,

"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

THE WRONG BITCH



The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. It is plain to see that my little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”

 

They don't call them "autos".

 

Yes, but us arrogant Americans would expect everyone else to use our words, even when telling a joke. Deal with it.

 

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

 

Or you could get it right, so that your "jokes" make sense.

 

A small chested woman asked her husband what he thought about her getting breast implants.
“Too expensive.” He says.
“Well what are some other options? I’m tired of shopping for bras in the little girls’ isle.” She replies.
The husband thinks for a minute and comes up with an idea, “Got it, and it’s free! Three or four times a day, take some toilet paper and gently rub it between your chest, and when you’re done, simply throw the toilet paper away.”
“How will that make my boobs bigger?” she says.
“Beats the hell out of me, but it worked great for your butt!”

 

In my family all the stupid children were killed at birth. A practice the rest of the world should follow, but alas, they do not.

 

Sally and Jane were swimming in the ocean. They came out of the water on to the beach and Sally pulled a dry cigarette out of her bathing suit, lit it up and started smoking. Jane, looking puzzled, said "How did you do that?!?"

Sally replied, "It's simple really. I just go to the drugstore and buy a condom. I put my cigarette in the condom, tie it up, and it stays dry while I swim."

After they left the beach, Jane headed to the drugstore. "I'd like to buy a condom." She said to the Pharmacist. "What kind would you like?" he asked. "Oh, it doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it will fit a Camel."

 

I met a girl in the bar. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at her place. "Listen" I said "I'm not very experienced and, when I'm with a girl for the first time, I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation". "Well, we can take it slow, babe" she winked. "How premature?" "Remember earlier in the bar, when you asked me about sex?" "Yeah?" "Then".