Humor Thread

I wanted to buy 'Grand Theft Auto' from the store, but for some reason couldn't remember the name.

I told the shop assistant, "I want that game where you're a African American fella and you drive 'round smashing into stuff, try to avoid getting beat up and bang loads of wild women".

I came out with 'Tiger Woods PGA Golf'.

 

Huh?
"thunderous applause from the audience?"
On a radio show?
That is impressive, I mean how do you know if radio listeners are applauding at all, unless you gather them all in one spot -- which of course would lead to the question of why are they listening on the radio, if they are there live?

 

Though Don Cherry is quite capable of uttering such things, being the extremely outspoken commentator he is, if he did say this, he cannot claim to be the originator of this.

I have learned that this comment is derived from a comedy skit back in the 90's that went something like this:

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey's brain will help find the cure for AIDS and save some body's life, I have two things to say. The red is positive and the black is negative.

I'm sure several personalities have used some form of this line and it can certainly be used for such emotionally charges issues very effectively.

What has not been considered in this re=posting of the quote is that the line was probably initially used in an open forum where there was an audience, then people have forgotten to remove the "applause" part when it is now reported to be used on the radio.

But all this is far to serious for this thread. I do recognize the errors in my ways and to punish myself, effective April 30 2012, I will reduce my personal income by 80% and stay away from the workplace for the rest of my pathetic life.

 

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

 

Morris had to quit school to support his family and thus never learned to read or write. He signed his checks "XX." But he started his own business, which soon prospered, making Morris rich. One day, his office phone rang. "Morris, this is the bank. We've got a check with your name on it but it's signed with three X's and you always sign with two."
"Oh, that was my wife's idea," explained Morris. "Ever since we became rich, she thought I should have a middle name!"

 

Radio Canada has several shows with live audiences. As a kid in England, I listened to many comedy and talk shows on the radio that had live audiences. Granted, they're not that common today, but they can be found.

 

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

 

Last months phone bill was 300 bucks.


No more calling "Stuttering Sluts Sexline" for me.

 

I just have a feeling it's National Braille Day.

 

I was doing some yard work when these two young ladies walked by. The wind blew their skirts up revealing a thong and some black lacy panties.

Leaf blowers rock!!

 

I was sitting on the train across from a sexy Thai girl.

I kept whispering to my self, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection."

But, she did.

 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

 

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

 

Question - Are there too many immigrants in north america? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."



The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.



A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."



I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.



There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.



The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

 

As was recently reported, 2% of welfare recipients use their taxpayer provided funds for illegal drugs. They need to be cut off, return all the taxpayer money and be locked up in jail.

Also reported recently, 4% of congress uses illegal drugs.

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

 

A man placed an add in the personal section of the local rag, "Wife Wanted"

Next day he received hundreds of replies all saying " You can have mine"

 

Drinking again eh Randy?..................................