Humor Thread

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

 

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting at church on Easter Sunday, and Grandma leans over and whispers, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

Grandpa leans back and replies, "You should get new batteries for your hearing aids!"

 

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'

Later that night......Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away.'
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna=2 0look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

 

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

 

A older gentlemen had to go along with his wife shopping at the mall. He hates walking around and looking at everything his wife is not going to buy.

So he finally get her to agree for him to set in one of the mall lounge areas. After being there several hours. He gets up and starts looking for his wife. After about 20 minutes of looking. He stops this buxom blond good looking woman and asks her to help him find his wife.

She agrees and asks, what does she look like?

The old gentleman replies: Oh that doesn't matter. Because every time I'm talking to a woman with tits like yours, she shows up!

 

WOMEN


A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

 

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage,
in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said,
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display,
But will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand?
Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

 

Cancel your credit card before you die.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and B of A billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Bank of America.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
B of A : ' The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

B of A : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

B of A : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
B of A : 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

B of A : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

B of A : ' The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

B of A : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

B of A: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

B of A: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

B of A: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

B of A : 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

B of A : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Bank of America needed help from the Feds?

 

Today’s Inspirational Lesson

Women are Angels and when someone breaks their wings they simply continue to fly on a broomstick, they are flexible like that...

Thus endeth the lesson.

 

When I worked away from home all week, I always made a morning available when I would take my seven-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just me and my granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, I had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, my wife came to the rescue and said that she would take our granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the my granddaughter anxiously ran upstairs to see how I was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the she replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single wanker, blind bastard, nit-wit, dick-head or moron anywhere on the road today!

 

I had nearly the same conversation with BofA after my father died. I got bills for both of my parents for two years. 6 years later my mom still gets inquires for insurance.

 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

 

Cannibalism...
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

 

At heaven’s gate:

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me..I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest..."

 

An oldie, but a goodie...

RODEO SEX

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

 

Recently, I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can't fix stupid.