Humor Thread

this squirrelllll iz nutz

 

not just boom but big boom

 

I was sorting through some fishing lures at the store the other day and a guy asked, "are you looking for fishing lures?" I said "Nope. I'm looking for matching earrings for my wife."

 

I was sitting at a bar enjoying a beer when this guy sits next to me and asked, " Hey, is that your beer?" I said, "No, it's my urine sample. I just want to keep it close."

 

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

 

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

(I've lost track of any potential repeats).

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

 

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.

"No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".

 

Who needs rubber tires when you have all those rubber hoses laying around ?

 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away.'
4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna=2 0look' by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

 

Why I fired my secratary today

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.

“OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unpunished.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!


Guys just never learn, do not tick off the little woman.

 

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _





Answers Below. Don't cheat...




















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all five wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT...

 

The trouble with girlfriends (other than not understanding possessives)...

 

How he broke his collar bone...

How he broke his collar bone...

 

Thanks guys.Some of the jokes are really funny.Loved reading them.I laughed a lot after reading them.

 

JOKES WTF. They are true stories....each and every one of them.

 

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"

 

Never understood the purpose of having a quarter size hole in ones ear, but I'm going to start carrying a padlock on me from now on. :smile: