Humor Thread

How to hold on while the train is in motion in order to avoid falling.



am referring to the older gentleman by the door!!! But surely you knew that.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^ aye carumba!!!

 

Pole dancing ...she's almost got it down....

 

not so much of a joke, but a video of the 1979 Consumer Electronics show in Las Vegas. VHS debut, Sound of Music for $75, and a "small" cam corder...

CES 1979: Flashback Look at Electronics

 

I hate to say it but I used to have a suit similar to one that was shown there.

 

I'm still stuck on the cheeks around the pole.....

 

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

GENERAL

1. Never take an open beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, then it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's bloody rude
to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly
so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no - it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:

Say......"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read
that stuff on the toilet door about you two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.
Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday."

If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity.
(Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund
and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns
loaded and the kangaroo is in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest Bull bar
doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

Didn't know Cananadians wore suits!?!?

 

Only if we are caught in a US State that has capital punishment. And only once.

 

If you really like skeet shooting, com eto the United Federal Repulic of Randy

UFRRTrapShooting.flv video by 34468RANDY - Photobucket

 

President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

 

Holy shit that was good!!!!

 

so I went to K-Mart today. When I checked out the receipts kept coming. The girl says 'Oh, you've won something'. I was confused. Then her enthusiam left the building as she says, 'You've won deodorant'. Seriously, is that a prize or an insult?!

 

oldie but goodie

here's one for ya...

 

FAST SEX

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minute's the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...? '
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'




Management lesson:





Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it

and getting screwed

 

High School "Cool" Test

This is a test based on how cool you were in High School.....
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc
It's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to friend to see if they have changed.

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

 

Why can't they do driver's ed and sex ed at the same time in Iran?

Overworks the camels.

 

The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: "Well, Ma'am, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh Yeah"
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Ma'am.....the gardener did."
Wife: "So.....how much do you want?"

 

It was just recently discovered that the Pyramids in Egypt were built by free people and not slaves like first thought.
So with this finding another question begs to be answered.
Seeing it took thousands of people to build them.
How did they pay for it?
Of coarse
there is
only one
answer.



It was through a Pyramid Scheme!

 

Do you think a skunk notices if another skunk farted?