Humor Thread

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 quarts of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 quarts of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a jar of coffee and a pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

 

DON'T KICK THE ANIMALS

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

Heaven

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago."

 

One guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. The woman looked pretty darn HOT for 67. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light as they enter, and she shouts upstairs, "Mom! You still awake

 

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…..

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat

 

I'm My Own Grandpa
by Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my step-mother.

My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grand-child, 'cause he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpaw.

 

:rofl: :rofl:

Hmm.....lets see there's Bob, jihad on him, Bill, jihad on him too, Akbar, yep jihad on him, Steve, jihad on him last week, Abu, yep, jihaded him today........that about covers it

 

Kinda makes you wanna drink.....a lot....

 

Crazy Perverted Yoga Teacher Farmer Guy Video <--- click it. you kow that you want to.


dont forget to breathe!

 

Let’s be careful out there…

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the weather warms.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds..

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

 

I need bleach. That was disturbing

 

what the fuck?!
who would let their kids around this guy?
fester colester, this guys a child molester...

 

Church laides

two elerly church ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over to the other and said "my butt is falling asleep." "I know," replied her companion. "I heard it snore three times."

 

let's be careful, guys

Fall Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENT, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..



Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM



Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

In the middle of Sunday church service, Satan burst through the rear sanctuary doors, laughed maniacally, and yelled, "I've come for your SOULS!!"

All the parishioners screamed and ran for the doors, except for one elderly man sitting way down front. Satan thought, "Maybe he's deaf and didn't hear me." So ran down and stood right in front of the guy and yelled again. To his amazement the old guy barely batted an eye.

Puzzled, Satan asked the man, "Didn't you hear me? Don't you know who I am?"

The man said, "I heard you and I know perfectly well who you are, but I'm not scared."

"Well, why not?" asked the Devil.

"Been married to your sister for over 50 years," said the old man.

 

holy... crap....

wow. didnt know they let pedophiles have tv shows now...

 

Harley Joke, But Not the Way You Think...

So this old lady pulls up to a Harley gang's clubhouse... She knocks on the door, and a big burly biker answers it, "WHAT!?!?"

She calmly says, "I wanna join your gang."

Biker says, "uh, yeah right, ok lady. you ride?"
old lady responds, "that's my panhead over there".

Biker:"you smoke?"
Old Lady: "Like a train."

Biker: "you drink?"
Old Lady: "like a fish."

Biker: "ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Old Lady: "nope, but uh, I've been swung around by my nipples before..."

Biker: "you're in."

 

Steve's wife decided to surprise him with the gift of an exotic bird. When she went to the pet store she found they were all much more expensive than she could afford. All except for one large parrot, which was on sale for $50.

When she asked the clerk why that parrot was so cheap, he replied, "Well, it used to live in a house of prostitution. The house was raided and got shut down, and the parrot was sent here."

Thinking the bird's background was kind of a funny story, and since it was affordable, she bought the parrot, a cage, a perch and some food.

On the way home, the parrot said, "New madam," which the woman found very amusing.

When she got home she set up the perch and let the parrot out. After climbing onto the perch, the parrot looked around and said, "New cathouse." This kind of caught her off-guard, and she started having second thoughts about the bird.

Later that day when the woman's daughters got home from high school the parrot looked at them and said, "New whores." Now she was really regretting it, and decided once her husband got home she'd return the parrot to the shop.

A few minutes later her husband came through the door. The parrot looked at him and said, "Hi, Steve."

 

so this football player asks his coach one day as to why hew always brought his wife to all the away games.. The coaches reply was simple... becaus she was too damn ugly to kiss goodbye..