Humor Thread

" years ago, it was the
Chinese calendar's year of the cow . . .
We had Mad Cow
disease.
2 years ago, it was the Chinese calendar's year of the
bird . . .
We had the Avian flu.

This year, it was the
Chinese calendar's year of the pig . . .
We're having
Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody
else worried !!!???"

 

Ugh...............

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for$22.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

That's when the fight started

 

My friends wifes birthday was coming up.
Since they both like cars and motorcycles,
she told him she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in very little time.
So he bought her a scale!


That's when the fight started................

 

Husband and wife sitting in bed she turns to him and says" the Dr. says that I have the body of an eighteen year old."
"Well ", he replied," Give it back , your getting it wrinkled!"


Thats when the fight started.

 

Now that one is funny

 

husband and wife were sitting in the bedroom watching TV and a commercial comes on for Ponds cold cream.. the model of course is smoking hot.. the wife looks at her husband glued to TV set and says " I use Ponds" excitedly .
her husband never looks up from the TV and replies, " yeah , so does a duck!"

Thats when the fight started.

 

Ya....and a duck's ass is tight....water tight!

 

A husband and wife were driving in the country, but had just had an argument. As they were driving by a pig farm, the wife asks the husband "Is that you family"
"Yep" replied the husband. "In-laws."
And that's when the fight got even worse.

 

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

 

My resume

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I can spay and neuter animals.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I can make 50 freethrows in a row. Grizzly bears give me a wide berth, as do snakes. I have come very close to nirvana, but backed off a tenth.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I can make a booger talk. I can shoot a bottle rocket from my ass crack and hit a ping pong ball 300 ft. away.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

I ride a vfr800 Honda

 

Is it a Pearl White?

 

SO I' laying in bed with the girlfriend. and she climbs under hte covers and snuggles in. Just to be funny I farted and pulled the covers over her head.......for dinner I had eaten mexican food stuffed full of habenero chilis...

no fight started no comment was made...but when I gotr home the next day all of my stuff was sitting on the porch in plastic bags....

 

The Payback


A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,
all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-
hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time
he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to
the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of
cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when
he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity,
and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much
for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to blow me on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line
and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he
got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $3,000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $50; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $50 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," ! and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."

 

A Riddle

You throw away the outside, then cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What am I?


PM Me if you think you know it, or want the answer.

 

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting
on their porch one night.

Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband,
knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "For having a little pecker."

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her
off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"

He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."

That's when the fight started.

 

Christmas Lights in Norhtern Saskatchewan:

 

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.