Our Daily Bread

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, and kill them.

 

Death is hereditary.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

 

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

 

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

 

Guns dont kill people, its the bullets. Guns are just bullet enablers.

 

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

 

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

 

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

 

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

 

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

 

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

 

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

 

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

 

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

 

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

 

YouTube - Seether - "Fine Again" Official Video

yup.